as the hour came nearer, i was feeling really thirsty and a light headache. i think i had too much coffee today...through this process i am becoming more conscious of my choices, and how they affect my body. and if one of us was able to go today and one tomorrow, then i will take better care of my body tomorrow and go then. let jamie enjoy the benefits of yoga today.
and it gives me time to share some thoughts i was having about yoga. at least bikram yoga. i can't say i have felt this with other yoga. i have been getting this birth feeling from class. admittedly, i do tend to liken some life experiences to labor. however, this one is really present and palpable. during class, after each pose we rest. the teacher says things like...be still, let that pose go and don't think about what is to come...just be still and that will recharge you. these are just the things that you need to do between contractions as a laboring mama. i am a doula, and i say similar things to women as they labor. let that contraction go, just be still and try not to think about the next one coming. just be right here and relax. and sometimes when someone in class is really close to getting further in a pose, and the teacher knows them and that they have been working on this...they'll say, you're almost there, just a little more...push just a little more. um, hello?...these are exactly the things you say as a mom is working on pushing a baby out. very encouraging; gently, yet pointed and clear. you know this person is going to reach some place they probably never thought they would reach.
and i didn't have this experience with hot yoga,but yesterday jamie said that half way through he was like...oh hell no, i am leaving this class, i am not going to finish this, i am outta here. i did feel like that during labor though...a lot of women do, they think...i am so done with this. i am putting my jacket on and leaving, as if they have a choice. and sorta like bikram, cause they do ask you not to leave the room. and i bet you could run out of there if you really wanted, but i haven't seen anyone do it yet.
and in the end, the sense of accomplishment is astounding, for both experiences. for birth, it is more overwhelming and full of some magical kind of baby love..but that can only happen a limited number of times in ones life, unless you are those crazy people on the tv show that have like 19 kids. wtf? anyway, and only for women...sorry guys. but bikram...you can do that every day! you can have that sense of doing something amazing and challenging every day. and for me, i have gained such self-esteem and confidence from that in just two weeks. it has truly been transformative, physically and emotionally. i feel more like an adult. more capable. and doors have been opening, gifts coming my way. i think i am more clear about what i want, and i see that clarity growing.
i was able to make a huge decision this weekend. we have had our kids in a great private school for 4 years, Bright Water School, giving the kids a waldorf education. and we love it. we are a big part of the community. remember the auction? whew. it was fun. it has always been a huge financial struggle for us, to pay tuition. and we finally made the choice to switch to a public school. while i still value what bright water has to offer, and am deeply grateful for our time there and the generosity of the school for making that possible...i am feeling really good about making the choice to not live beyond our means. to make the choice that will facilitate more family time for us, with less everyday struggle. more wiggle room for fun. to go camping for a weekend and not worry about thinking....we shouldn't be doing this, we have bills to pay. that kind of alone time together as a family, without the everyday distractions, is going to be such a gift to ourselves. and maybe we will even get to visit dina and my brother in geneva! wow! what an opportunity!
so, a sidetrack...but not really. it is all connected. i am able to make a decision and be confident with it and stick to it. there is follow through. that feels so good.