be in the present

i am learning to be here now. hard to do. especially at the beginning of something like this bikram yoga. i keep drifting off into some distant future where i can do the poses with ease, where i don't have extra body fat getting in the way of the twist, where i can interlock my fingers and wrap them around my foot while keeping my leg straight...and then i get anxious. what if i can't afford to keep going? what if i stop loving it? what if this is just one more thing in my life that i think is "it" for me, and then i slowly lose my interest or maybe lose my dedication, and let it go. then i remind myself this is just my thinking mind...and i come back to being here, in this body...with its present state of flexibility and stiffness. with whatever extra is here and there. and i breathe. it feels like i have had to do this a million times today. and today has barely reached 10:30am.

as i am reading in my pema chodron book, when things fall apart, that is the practice. the falling apart and coming back together.

so, today i went back to bikram yoga of seattle....the fremont studio. http://www.bikramyogaseattle.com/index.php

i like it there. the teachers have been great. i went to the 6am class this morning. i never, never like to get up before...maybe 6:30am. unless i am going on a vacation, which rarely happens. but today, i woke up. and i thought about going back to bed. at one point, i decided...i am just going back to bed. then i sat on the couch for a minute. and it was quiet. i heard the birds chirping outside and i noticed the beauty of the world around me. (seriously?omg, how cheezy. i sound like one of those annoyingly happy people. yuk.) but that is what happened, for real. i was like...ok, the birds are chirping and i am going to go to yoga! and i drove in the dark to fremont.

yesterday and today, instead of trying ot get as much into the posture as i can, i am working on form and technique. it doesn't look as impressive to me, but i possibly have a whole lifetime to get to the deeper postures. i want to get there with good form.

I also have been doing some research on Bikram yoga. interesting stuff. i'll write more later after more reading. controversial though, so far.

peace...

melissa