Excuse me, I am having an issue!

Me, upside-down!

posted by Melissa Baumgart
I had this idea in my head that if I was thinner, I wouldn't be nervous for the aerial silks class that Amy and I took this past Saturday.  On the drive to Emerald City Trapeze, I shared that with Amy and she shook her head "No!", apparently unable to utter any words at that point.  It turns out that Amy, although in appearances is fit and looks like she could hold her own in a silks class, was extremely apprehensive as well.

I hate to be all about the fact that I gained weight lately.  But it consumes me, well, when I am not consuming burgers, fries, pizza and poutine.  But for real, the fact is that I was the heaviest and weakest person in the class.  It reminded me of the Single Ladies class I took with Dina.  I felt so self conscious, with all these fit and capable people surpassing my every move.  But I handled it better this time around.  I attempted *almost* everything, and for that I am exceedingly proud.

Our teacher demonstrating a trick I may never do.

We did one silks skill where you learn how to climb up the silk.  Some people were getting 10 to 20 feet in the air.  I didn't even get past the first part where you get your foot in place, wrap the silk around it and hold it in place with the other foot, then use your arm strength to hang in that position while you attempt to lift your legs and do the same thing all over again.  I held myself in place for a few seconds while trying real hard to get the foot hold, and that would have to be where I am.  I am a true beginner.

At one point, I lost my footing while three feet in the air.  I thought fir sure I was going to tumble out, injure my neck and be stuck on the ground with my foot forever tied into the blue silk.  Our teacher was at the other silk, calmly helping another student.  How did she not see me struggling?  "Excuse me?"  I interrupted, embarrassed.  "I am having an issue!"  I voiced with more authority that I had acquired through sheer terror.  She, again, calmly walked over and help me out of what was actually no big deal at all.

Look, Ma!  No Hands!

I had fun doing the upside down moves.  The moves where we got to make a little knotted foothold in the silk seemed like it would be easier, but it killed my foot in the process.  It was all wrapped up in a knot of silk with all my weight bearing down on top of it.  Ouch.

With aerial class behind me, and feeling like it went better than expected, I was on track to get more fit so I could be more active in class.  On Monday, I went to Bikram.  And it felt like the worst class ever.  I had every amazing yogi in there's voice in my head; beating me up, putting me down and wondering why I even showed up to the studio since I was clearly unable to stand the heat.  Monday I wanted to give up on it all.

Then there was today.  And to be fair, my first cup of coffee in two weeks.   I went to yoga and it was awesome.  I didn't do every pose, but I felt stronger and my mind felt less swayed by my appearance and other's postures.

Maybe it all "really isn't any big deal at all"?  All of it.  All the drama.  All the worries.  All the stress.  All the weight.  Just start where you are.  And if you're not ready to start, don't be hard on yourself.  You will.  You'll wake up from the dream that you're not good enough.

Melissa

Me and Nadia Comaneci

Posted by Amy Baranski

Doodle by Amy Baranski.

Ever since I was 12 I've dreamt of becoming an Olympic athlete. During my last 30 day Bikram yoga challenge, amid the growing chaos of my unchored home and the mounting haystack of emails, voice mails, and text messages, I became Nadia Comaneci.

The precise moment I stepped into the heated and muggy studio everything in my real life melted away. The saga of my perfect ten played out during the 90 minute class. At times you could hear a pin drop in the gymnasium. The crowed held its breath as I took the floor.

I vaulted, tumbled, balanced the beam, and whipped my body around the uneven bars. But, mostly I practiced, tucked away in a small warm gym somewhere in the Romanian countryside. Everyone else in the studio was training too. The difference was that I was Nadia Comaneci, and everything I did was for the Olympics.

what beauty lies 11 pages away from where you might give up?

posted by Melissa


Do you ever start books and have a hard time getting through, oh, I don't know...the first 150 pages?  Sometimes, a lot of times, that happens for me.  Even with books that I eventually end up liking, if I ever do get past those first pages.  I started the book, All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy (Don't read the "plot summary" part of the link if you haven't read the book, it gives away the story line.)  about 5 months ago.  Just a week ago or so I made it past page 150, and it finally got gripping.  So much so that last night I was actually angry at Tallulah for not wanting the light on because I wanted to keep reading the book in bed.

I find this whole tai chi adventure to be similar.  Here we are half way through the month and I am still confused, my attention drifting easily to everything else in my life, and wondering why I am doing this in the first place.  But like the McCarthy book, I have something invested in finishing this out.  With the book it was my love for his other book, The Road, that kept me going.

tough choices 

With tai chi, it is the blog, and my love for finding my way through whatever challenge it brings that keeps me going.  If I had first read the horse book without having read the post-apocalyptic tale beforehand, my guess is that I would have given up on reading about horses.  And if I did have a commitment to this blog, and what I have seen transform in myself through the pursuit of the blog, I would probably have quit you too, tai chi.

And so this morning, instead of finishing my horse book, I will pick up this lovely little gem of a tai chi book and see where it takes me.  Who knows, I might find a passage as moving as the one I will leave you with today.  I found it on page 161 in the horse book...11 little pages past my usual quitting point.  I guess you never know what beauty lies a few page turns away.

"THAT NIGHT he dreamt of horses in a field on a high plain where the spring rains had brought up the grass and the wildflowers out of the ground and the flowers all ran blue and yellow as far as the eye could see and in the dream he was among the horses running and in the dream he himself could run with the horses and they coursed the young mares and fillies over the plain where their rich bay and their rich chestnut colors shone in the sun and the young colts ran with their dams and trampled down all the flowers in a haze of pollen that hung in the sun like powdered gold and they ran he and the horses out along the high mesas where the ground resounded under their running hooves and they flowed and changed and ran and their manes and tails blew off of them like spume and there was nothing else at all in that high world and they moved all of them in a resonance that was like music among them and they were none of them afraid horse nor colt not mare and they ran in that resonance which is the world itself and which cannot be spoken but only praised."  -Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses 

Ok, so I know I said I was leaving you with that quote, but as I wrote the title to the post it got me to thinking.  What else do I give up on?  Why?  Isn't it sometimes good to know when to say something isn't working any more?  How do you know when that time is right?  or wrong?

I, of course, started thinking about yoga.  In class yesterday my teacher, Laura, said something that totally brought me to a new place of my practice.  And one that coincidentally is totally aligned with my writing this morning.  She said something to this effect, "In Bikram yoga it is believed that you get the physical in shape and the spiritual will follow.   Physical, mental and then spiritual."  She had also shared another little nugget of wisdom earlier in the same class about moments of self love and how we come to this class for ourselves.  This is MY practice, wow.  For me.

And it hit me, in every class lately I have so many moments of wanting to quit.  "I'll only do one of those postures."  Even when I can physically, I fall out mentally.  I was showing up for the challenge of the 30 days, for the teachers, for the Sweatbox...but not for me.  This is my life, this is my practice, my body.  It is so motivating to be reminded of what I fell in love with about Bikram yoga.

What beauty lies within me...maybe just one pose away?  I think I am willing to find out.

And now I really will leave you...with one of my favorite Bikram quotes:

"Never too late, never too old, never too bad, and never too sick to do this yoga and start from scratch once again." -Bikram Choudury

peace,
Melissa

Day 10 of 30 Day Yoga

Posted by Amy Baranski

UPDATE: Class on Day 10 started out really marvelous until the entire left side of my body cramped up including what felt like an oncoming Charlie Horse in my left calf. I Savasana-ed it up after that and teetered out (almost didn't even attempt the floor series) until my teacher for whatever reason gave me a very compassionate pat on the back. Was it to say you're okay? Or, I understand? Or, you can do it? I don't know but it was the nicest thing that anyone has done for me in awhile. Such a simple, compassionate gesture. It helped me do the next pose which was Cobra. Such a wonderful moment in my practice.

As mentioned previously, there's a 30 day yoga challenge happening at The Sweatbox, my favorite little sweat-filled nook of Capitol Hill (although the Hot House is pretty awesome). Around days 7 and 8 I started noticing some pain in my spine. It feels like a short metal rod is stuck in the midsection. I only feel it when I back bend and forward bend.

Standing Deep Breathing. It's harder than it looks!

It's made a lot of the intense spine work scarier. I've been trying to work through it but started backing off a little (okay a lot). I'm not sure if it's because I'm working on building the support muscles for the spine--my core strength does not feel very strong--or if I've compressed my spine too much. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to feel (which Jamie says probably not). I really hope I'm not doing something wrong.

Jaime and Melissa loaned me their Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class book with photographs of the poses. I've been referencing this since I first started practicing Bikram at the beginning of January. So it's back to the book to read again and try to adjust my entrance into these poses. Pada-Hastasana (Hands to Feed Pose) was super intense on my spine yesterday, at least the first set was. So was Sasangasana, which, WOW, has been opening up my spine in ways I did not know were possible. But, I'm still having a lot of pain/sensation especially the more I suck in my stomach and round my spine. In this pose, though, it kind of "feels good."

Laura, one of my teachers was commenting that during the 30-day challenge this is around the time that students might start feeling tightness in their spine or other areas. I'm also experiencing some serious knots in my left shoulder--which has long been my physical stress vault.

Perhaps related to all this is that I've been having a really difficult time with Pranayama, the Standing Deep Breathing sets we do at the beginning of class. I notice that when I have a difficult time maintaining my mental focus during these sets as well as my physical focus the class can be very inconsistent for me. I've been actually gasping for air, swaying, not maintaining locked knees/hips, my shoulders are getting really tired. I'm just all over the place during Pranayama.

I'm such a beginner, and I kind of like that. I don't feel overwhelmed by the rate of progress I've been making. It just all feels really good. Really, after 2 and half months of practice I feel like I haven't even begun to enter the postures, I'm still working on establishing a good/correct set up. So that's where I'm at on Day 10. I'll update this post later tonight and let you know how class was.

If You Can, You Must

posted by Melissa


"If you can, you must."

YOGA

we practice @ the Sweatbox!

This is a quote that is often said by teachers in Bikram yoga classes.  I am assuming it comes from the man himself, and after reading his books, I would say that sounds about right.  I hear this phrase all through my yoga class these days, repeating in my head.  Sometimes it is inspiring, and other times I use it to beat myself up.  Five simple words.  It's up to you how you use them.  

I love that about Bikram, I love the way the class pushes us to see the best in ourselves, to see what we are truly capable of.  It is often so much more than I thought I could ever do.  I don't believe his intention in quotes like the above is to have us punish ourselves, and yet it is a habit that comes up again and again for me.  And so, just like in stand head to knee pose, when I want to give up, but I know I can keep holding the posture...it is also the same when it comes to the mind, I can keep letting go of those self-judgements.  Yoga strengthens the mind, if you choose to let it.  

"If you can, you must."

BLOG

I didn't want to blog this morning.  I went to Levi's class to volunteer with the writer's workshop.  I do love going there, the kid's are so creative and each one unique.  Almost makes me want to be a teacher...after I become a nurse, a midwife, a farmer and maybe a yoga teacher too.  So, I just got home and I have 40 minutes before yoga.  (more white people's problems...between volunteering and yoga it's like I have no time to blog.  ugh.) .  

Last night as we talked instead of finishing another martial arts film, Amy shared a tip from a successful blogger, "Blog everyday.  Even if it is just a sentence."  And so, here I am...sitting at my make-shift desk, blogging.  Because I can.

I love blogging.  I feel alive and engaged with the world.  I know I am actually in my apartment, alone, staring at a keyboard and screen.  In some sorta virtual world.  But I do love it, and in this I have found a passion.  I love knowing you are out there reading this, and that maybe sometimes something that we write matter to someone.  I mean, that is one of my whole deals in life, I want to do things that make a difference...even if small, one person at a time.

"If you can, you must."

TAI CHI

Under the Heat Lamp

Beginning of Half-Moon (feet should be together).

First off, it's not a heat lamp. But that's okay. It's the phrase that's been going through my head. Last night it was "under the ceiling fan" and I had this whole moment connected to my childhood that I was going to share with the world here. But I'm not going to do that because I've started, interrupted, and restarted this blog post a million times. And Under the Heat Lamp isn't applicable to what I want to talk about anymore, but I'm forcing myself not to change the title of this post--or erase those first few sentences--because if I do I'll probably just hit "Save as Draft" at the end instead of "Publish" like I'm supposed to in order to stay on track with publishing at least one lengthy post a week. I think people really undervalue the value of the run-on sentence.

Okay, so let's get organized. I want to talk about: business plan month, yoga and other random things that have not articulated themselves yet in my streamofonlineconciousness.

Business Plan

Melissa and I met and talked it out. We laid some honest shit on the table, which Melissa informed me was one of the key steps to creating a business plan that was discussed at the business seminar. It makes sense, and I was relieved, surprised, and affirmed at our ability to be honest about:

• What we want to do
• What we don't want to do
• What we have the ability to do

And wouldn't you know the answer just presented its sweet little self to us, really without much "inventing" effort. So no we're not going to start a food-delivery business. We're going to focus on doing what we are already doing and see what turns up. So let's get down to business and celebrate with some cocktails.

Yoga and other random things with no paragraph breaks

I did not go to yoga on Tuesday and I did not go to yoga last night and I may not go to yoga today. On Tuesday I chilled the fuck out. Last night, I ate at Burgermaster. And today we'll just see how this MO-FO goes. I've been cranky and I don't care. Shit has been falling down in my life outside of yoga, my A-game has turned into a C-game. I have a lot of stuff going on, which yeah I talked about in my last post, but I also need time to be alone and think and chill and read and that hasn't been happening. So balance has been lost. It's probably why I suck balls at Balancing Stick. I just don't understand myself in that pose. Every time everyone else seems to struggle in it, stick in it, even if their form is totally jacked, but I'm always coming out early, standing at the back of my mat looking at all the non-giver-uppers wondering to myself: am I just a quitter? How is it I can stay balanced longer in Standing Head to Knee but Balancing Stick is like being on a god damned balancing beam: my knee buckling and my brain completely disassociated with my body. Last weekend my friend Daemond showed up at class. That made practice really fun. Hi Daemond! (if you're reading). I hope I run into him again at the studio. I'm really thinking about doing another 30 day challenge in March but I kinda wanted to do some weekend trips that month, so I'm torn. I'll let you know what I decide. Maybe you (if there ARE any of you (still) reading this) would want to join us for a 30-day challenge? Think it over. It's practically how I started this practice and it builds a great foundation for yourself. There's a lot to explore in 26 poses and 2 breathing exercises. You might surprise yourself. Beside you can say to yourself: I did 30-days straight of hot yoga. And with that I'm just going to hit Publish Post. See you next time.

Always, Amy.

I love you. You're stupid. Just kidding!

Looking down from Cape Flattery. Photo by Amy Baranski.

Yesterday during Savasana after Ustrasana (camel pose) my yoga teacher talked about how we might feel. When we first started our practice, she explained, "overwhelmed" is the label we may have assigned to that wave of feeling rushing throughout our joints and mind as we quickly transitioned from our knees to our backs and into Savasana.

Camel pose is the deepest backbend of the Bikram series and at times reminds me of standing on a ledge--a soaring seacliff above craggy rocks looking down on a tangly kelp forrest tipping out from the surf. 

Just the other day Bob asked:

yoga update

To let the curious know - we have continued on with Bikram yoga! We are doing 5-6 days out of the week, more like 6. March 1 will mark the beginning of the Sweatbox's 30-Day Challenge (ours in January was self-imposed). From their website:

"The 30-Day Challenge is Almost Here!

It's that time again of the year again - time for the 30-Day Challenge! We begin March 1st.

Let's remember all of the reasons why we practice: we feel clearer and happier; our bodies are healthier and more efficient; we behave more kindly to our family and friends; we are better parents. The 30-Day challenge is the single best opportunity to get yourself back into a dedicated practice regimen.

Try the challenge. Do your best to do it. Put yourself first for 30 days of your life. Once you do, you'll be hooked.

Sign up people! You won't regret it."

Developing a Bikram practice has helped me gain strength and stamina--it might do the same for you!

xoxo
GoodLuckWithThat!

reflections

A whole year has passed since Dina and I started this blogging adventure together.  I can remember looking ahead to the coming year back then, with such excitement for each new thing I was going to totally immerse myself into.  My plan, as I recall, was to do whatever new thing that month brought every day of that month.  And if I couldn't make that happen, I would read about that thing or learn about it in some manner.  Some months I lived up to that expectation...I remember during "growing our own food month" I read a Michael Pollan book and watched a few movies on that state of our agriculture system here in the US and found it all to be very inspiring.  And i felt like i used my time wisely considering after I planted my seeds, there wasn't a whole lot to "do" for a bit...besides chasing away big dogs and their big fat paws from my little plant babies.  During "painting month" and "learning the Beyonce dance month" I found a way to do those things most days, and found it even easier to feel guilty about not doing them on the days I didn't make them a priority.

"Sewing ourselves a dress month" nearly brought me to a murderous state...what with all the tension and agro-ness toward sewing, and the big scissors in my hands.  I totally hate sewing, as I do most crafty endeavours; and I knew that going into it and often found myself with fabric and thin pattern paper everywhere wondering...why in the fuck did I pick this?  But I have to say, I am so proud to have finished that mini dress.  Every time I wear it I find a way to let someone know...."I made this!"  Would I do it again?  Maybe.  And yes, I am a bit crazy.  Then there was "writing month", remember that?  Of course not!  I didn't write a goddamn thing.  That was a shocker, I thought I loved writing.  I even, at one point in college, thought it could be one of my hidden talents.  Turns out, the blank piece of paper won again.  Almost.  I did finish that readers write submission!  The other total flop of the list had to be "salsa dancing month."  It started out fine, going dancing for Jamie's birthday....and then never again.  Sometimes life and the priorities it sets right in front of you take center stage, not the dance floor.

By far, clearly, my favorite was "yoga month."  I had no idea it would sweep me off my feet the way it did.  and even more of a shocker was that it would be Bikram Yoga that I fell for.  I gave everything I had to that practice and I am sure you know, dedicated another whole month to this moving meditation...completing a 30 day challenge.  Other months that I liked included drumming, the vegan diet, and the make-up-your-own-month where I did a simplifying of my stuff, a major purging.

I am so, so grateful that I took on this year of trying new things.  I learned so much about myself and life and people.  I gained a self confidence I never had before.  I have a stronger foundation from which I can stand and greet the world in a new and more diverse way.  And I am looking forward to a year of new activities, new lessons, new challenges, and new triumphs.  I wonder if I am still looking for a passion?  Or am I finding a way to stay youthful and maintain some sort of mental flexibility, and physical too in some cases.  I love that this helps me be open to trying new things...those of my own imagination and dreams and those of someone else's.  You never know what someone else is going to put on that list.

Amy and I revealed our new lists last night at a dinner to celebrate finishing the 30 days of yoga (which was much harder and less euphoric than I had created it to be in my mind all month.)  I think both of us would have rather been soaking in a hot bath tub or snuggled in a warm blanket on our couches, but in the end we had a great time.  It was so fun to pick each folded piece of paper and unfold it not knowing what was written inside, and then share our thoughts and ideas and research we had done for each topic.
So....we will reveal the list tomorrow, with a new look and feel to the blog.

xoxomelissa


PS...and now, I leave you with my submission to the Sun magazine:

Readers Write Submission

Paying Attention

For the past month I have been practicing yoga every day.  Every day I spend 90 minutes in a room heated to 105 degrees, working my body into 26 different postures and sweating.  When I set out on this challenge, I assumed that the physical aspect would give me the most trouble.  And while it has at times, what I am discovering is that the mental component can prove to be much more of a struggle…but with exponential benefits.

The unspoken question arises moment-to-moment….what am I going to pay attention to?  Am I going to mentally jump ahead and worry about what postures are coming next, and what postures I can weasel my way out of without too much self-deprecation to follow?  Am I going to pay attention to my trembling muscles moving and holding the poses, the teacher’s calm voice guiding me through each posture?  Or am I going to be in each moment, totally present, only paying attention to my breath coming in and my breath going out? 

The times where I am paying attention to my breath and not the mental chatter are fleeting, but blissful.  I get to that place by being a beginner again, and not anticipating, not reviewing…just following instructions.  It seems to me that being in that state is a sort of “not paying attention” to anything.  Those few moments when the mind is clear are elusive and beautiful, and can disappear as soon as you start paying attention to them. 

We can spend all the minutes of our day paying attention to the details of life…getting the dishes clean, making sure all the bills are paid, folding the laundry, feeding the kids, answering the phone, the list goes one and on.  I feel unending gratitude for those brief moments where my mind is free to not pay attention to anything, to just be and not attach to any thoughts, watching them float by like clouds on the sky.

The Sum of All Things

Hi there,

Yesterday marked the finale of the 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge with Melissa--and some other endings and beginnings that Melissa shared over here. I can't wait to read her Readers Write submission to The Sun magazine. Congratulations Melissa, on a year well spent, and thanks again for bringing me on for the 2011 adventure. Also super thanks to all the encouragement from everyone and Jaime and Bob for the rides to and from class during those super cold and wet days.

Meditation Month


I'm on the right.

As readers who follow this blog may recall January was meditation month, and as you can easily tell it was really more about the yoga for me. Does that make it a moving meditation? I really tried, and while I intend to finish my reading materials I just couldn't sink my teeth into it the way I thought I could. Part of the challenge was balancing everything else that's going on in my life. Meditation kept looking like an escape hatch or a total disconnect from everything I was supposed to be doing. Which probably is an indicator that I need to practice it more. Or maybe not. In any case, why does something like meditation--or even yoga for that matter--seem like a luxury?

 

I can say that with the theme of this month as meditation, complemented by the yoga practice, I have experienced and increased sense of focus and intention in every day behaviors. I immediately feel more focused in a period of time and more giving of myself to the task at hand--whether that be washing dishes, folding laundry, writing a blog post, doing my day-job work. I've just been more...here.


30 Day Yoga Challenge  



What the sign says.

This past weekend took me to Portland for a birthday party so I had to find a Bikram-certified yoga studio to complete days 28 and 29. I found Bikram Portland on Alberta Street. Practicing away from home in new surroundings was at first scary but a great experience that in a way brought me back to the very beginning of my 30 days--just listening and adjusting to a new environment. I don't know that I could have had any better classes. Of course day 30 I spent most of the time lolling about on the floor in Savasana wishing I could leave much like my very first class. It's funny how when you build up a climax in your mind and then you get there and it happens to be just like any other day.  

I've been asked by a few people what I think of this practice and if I've received any noticeable benefits. So here's a quick (very quick) summary of what's happened to me:

10 body improvements from 30-day Bikram yoga challenge:

1. Slimmer waistline, calves, quads; overall improved definition in the legs and arms
2. Ability to stand and touch my toes (something I haven't done in over 15 years)
3. Ability to sit and extend my legs, lock my knees lift my heels off the ground while touching my toes
4. Deeper breathing when outside of class; improved ability to stay relaxed during stressful situations
5. Increased stamina for standing on one leg while engaging the quadriceps
6. More conscious engagement of my abs outside of class, especially when bending over
7. Greater water intake has led to increased alertness and mental agility while outside of class
8. Smoother skin
9. Overall more moderated appetite
10. Deeper sleep

Namaste January.
-Amy

Greetings from Portland!



I made it to the Bikram Portland studio on Alberta for a 7:30am class with Brandy.

Thank you Brandy for reminding me that: "If you can, you must."

Congratulations to my yoga compadre Melissa for 28 days!

As Always, Amy

 

Day 27

(A belated post due to lack of Internet service)

Today (January 28th) is day 27 of the 30 day yoga challenge. I am new to Bikram yoga, prior to this 30 day challenge I had two classes at the Sweatbox. The first class was with Gary and I spent the majority of the time believing that the lights he kept turning on and up were heat lamps. I really thought that in my mind and heart. Melissa let me know later that the heat actually came from a heat blower and not the lights. I felt like food under a heat lamp.

I wanted to leave so badly, and thought the session would never end. I had not had nearly enough water that my body required (which I've since learned is close to a gallon). I also came smeared in lotion which melted all over my limbs which was gross and funny - and if you've ever done hot yoga with lotion on you know what I'm talking about.

Then came the holidays which were just fantastically filled with elastic waistlines and my favorite billowy  Ikat-print knit shirt.

And now here we are 27 days later with so many changes. This weekend I am heading to Portland. I've already scouted out the Portland Bikram-certified studio that I will practice at. I've called in advance to ensure their classes are happening, and I've printed out my registration form. Days 28 and 29 will be spent at a different studio, which should be interesting. I will make sure to file a report. Bikram Yoga is akin to the Latin-style Mass, Pre-Vatican II--not matter where you go it's always in the same script and follows the same form.

*
PDX here I come!

As always,
Amy

good student/bad student

i went from doing every pose, keeping good form...well, as best as I can at this point in my practice and feeling strong and aligned with my new mantra..."I am a good student."  I fell asleep that night with that sentence swirling in my head, ever empty moment between what i had to do the next day and thoughts about what I might have on my new list for the blog...like the mortar between my busy thoughts was "I am a good student."  Something about that statement is so satisfying to me, so simple, so comforting.  All you have to do is follow instructions well and it is true.

i woke up the next day and my body ached.  I was exhausted.  I didn't do every pose, not even close.  and what's worse, I didn't care.  I didn't care if i was a good student.  what?  it's true, i just laid there in pure bliss to be resting in a hot room melting into the floor.  The only annoyance was the teacher's voice coaching the other students to go deeper, push harder into each pose.  it seemed so loud and intrusive.  i was certainly not following instructions...not well, not at all.

That night, I came home and i went straight to bed.  still achy.  still bitter.  but happy to feel my body on my bed.  during the night, my body released sweat like I was still on my mat in the 105 degree yoga studio.  I awoke in the middle of the night with my whole shirt drenched, my blankets wet from contact with me.  I was too tired to care.  I didn't get up and change, I just drifted off back to my damp sleep.  In the morning I felt achy again and so slow.  I thought maybe I was getting sick.  Could I make it to yoga?  I walked home from my kid's school where I spent the morning volunteering, which got my mind off of myself and gave me the glimpse of hope that I could get through the day.  I was so sad too...on the verge of tears, constantly and for no reason.  I went to yoga at noon, just because of the 30 day challenge, not because I wanted to.  I was prepared to greet myself however I showed up that day...good student or bad.  I was too tired and too sad to care.

It was one of the hottest classes I have had in a while.  When the poses came where we had to stand on the red carpet, the carpet was hot beneath the soles of my feet.  When I laid my body down into savasana to rest, my mat and towel were hot to the touch.  I did rest more than usual that day, but you know what?  so did some of my teachers that were practicing that day.  what a comfort.  we all need to rest sometimes...maybe there are no bad students.  (ok, I still have a hard time with that, cause sometimes people talk during class and that just is NOT cool.)  You just never know where people are, or where you may be mentally and physically every day you step onto your yoga mat.

I chatted with one of my teachers after class that day and he asked me how many days I had left of the challenge.  I shared my experience with feeling like I was getting sick and sweating in my sleep and he said it was because my metabolism was increasing and that I should eat a lot of food.  super!  I LOVE food.  If you have been reading for a while, you may remember my revelation about being the person that loves food the most on earth.  yeah.  I ate a ton of food last night.  I don't know if a burger and fries were what he had in mind...but they were soooo good.  I love the burgers and fries at Smith.

so, being the good student that i am, i heeded my sage teacher's advice.  I ate the whole god-damn thing.  and you know what?  I feel so much better today.  My body is still a little sore.  but I went to class this morning (day 27!!!) and it was just a regular ole class.  not good, not bad.

where do these labels we give to ourselves, to our practice, to our relationships, to our jobs...where do they get us?  Do we really need things to fit into labels; good and bad.  Will meditation help to lessen the burden of these small words.  Is it possible to raise my children in a climate that doesn't reinforce the culture of good and bad that I feel I was raised in?  what life experiences push us into longing to be the good student, or giving up and reveling in the bad student role?  How do we get to be truly just as we are.

with curiosity,
melissa

"i am a good student"

So, as I was going through yoga class yesterday (day 24!) i thought i was doing better with letting go of the mental chatter.  i wasn't dwelling on the poses i would not do during the rest of class, in fact, when those thoughts would come up...i really could easily say to myself, "be right here, breathe.  Right here."  and it would work.  and let me tell you class has been amazing since i had that little realization while blogging the other night...i have done every posture every day since then.  and it hasn't been a struggle.  amazing.  ok, so back to class last night.  i was feeling all accomplished about being right there, and breathing and not planning...and then it hit me, there was another layer of mental chatter.  Once i peeled away the complaining and planning mind, another voice emerged.  This one was more steady, more focused, more seductive in it's efforts to persuade me it was OK to give into it.  To listen unendingly, and distract me from the "moment."  This voice repeated one simple sentence.  Probably one I have been repeating since I was 4 years old in Montessori.

"I am a good student."

After class I shared this with Amy, and was also seduced by the hours of analysis this one sentence could bring me.  It is a processing goldmine.  (Processing is a term we use to describe the hours spent in the morning at work discussing all of the emotional and mental baggage we have picked up since we last worked together.)  I got about 2 minutes into the processing and decided to let it be.  Maybe it is a bad thing, maybe I am a teacher pleaser.  Or maybe it is a good thing, maybe I simply like to be good at what i do.  why would being a good student be bad?  why do I assume all of my voices are bad and I have to get "rid" of them.  (and on a side note...really?  I am sharing with god-knows-who that I have "voices"?  But we all do.  right?)

Pema Chodron

Then I come back to Pema Chodron, my sweet reading salvation.
In a chapter on Loving Kindness, she says "Loving kindness - maitri- toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything.  maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years.  We can still be angry after all these years.  We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness.  The point is not to try and change ourselves.  Meditation isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better.  It is about befriending who we are already.
One of the main discoveries of meditation is seeing how we continually run away from the present moment, how we avoid being here just as we are."

Perhaps my reminder of what a good student I am is a way I am trying to run away from being uncomfortable in class, a way I am trying to make myself feel better.  and that's OK, just make friends with my mind, and let that thought go.  give it no more weight than i do the thought, "I have to go to the bathroom."  imagine it is a bubble and be gentle with it, lightly let it blow away with my out-breath.

xoxomelissa

(PS...to update on the meditation front, i have been doing about 5 minutes a day.  My goal is to up that for the last week of the month.  so, starting today...at least 10 minutes a day.  and that is aside from the 90 minute "moving meditation" of Bikram yoga.


one more update.  the one month I feel like I totally flaked on was writing month, and so I am going to finish up a goal I set during that month, which was to write a submission for the "Readers Write" section of the Sun magazine.  This week I will send in my piece on, get this, paying attention.  Perfect for meditation/yoga month!)

Daily Matins

Dear blog, this month has moved quickly. Days have been full. The moon was full. And yes I fell behind in posting. I promise not to again! To bring you up to speed on my past 11 days of yoga here's a list of high-points, low-points, and points that fell in between:

1. One class, after the heater was fixed, Laura said she didn't want to hear any complaints that the room was too warm because it had been cold all day. It was very hot; skin-hot; sunburn-hot. No one complained.
2. One class sounded like a happy hour before the teacher walked in. Some guy was eating gumdrops from a sandwich baggy and people were laughing and talking in full voice.
3. One class was packed with students. I was delirious at the end and forgot that a girl was six inches from my feet. I grabbed my mat and whipped it back really hard (to pick it up) thereby whipping a student in the face.
4. One class I excused myself to the bathroom during the floor routine (it was very hard to cool down and then warm up again).
5. One class I worked harder then I ever thought I could.The next class seemed easier. (Did the day before pay off?)
6. One class I started to remember the sequence of the poses.
7. One class a girl moved her towel perpendicular to her mat for triangle pose and the teacher said: "no, no, no we're going to build your leg strength."
8. One class Gary showed me how to grasp my toes correct during the sit-up.
9. One class I fell out of standing bow pose about every two seconds and started laughing to myself.
10. One class I had an Eeyore mentality and gave up on myself.
11. One class I had a great attitude but spent most the time in savasana because my intestines hurt too bad. (That was last class).

Not once during the past 11 days have I thought about not going. In fact, the exact opposite has happened. The daily intentional practice has given something to my life that is hard to put into words at this point. I can just say I'm so thankful to Melissa and Jaime for introducing me to Bikram Yoga through their dedicated practice. Each day has brought a new set of circumstances to discover - just as each day brings us no matter what.

So, today is day 22, and if I could bring anything with me during the next 9 days of class it would be nothing. Or, more aptly put: a willingness to completely let go of all the precious little things I've collected over the past 21 days.

Always,
Amy

Savasana Forever!

The other day in yoga class, our teacher Gary said, "Savasana forever." ironically,  it was during one of the shorter 20 second savasanas between the postures in the floor series.  at the time, i remember thinking...."yes, please, right now....give us a savasana forever.    please.  now."  Which is odd...usually i am more dying for a taste of corpse pose during the standing series, the first part of class.  

So, really what this brings up for me is the sometimes subtle, but mostly glaring mind games i play during yoga class.  and to be honest, all day long before class...and after.  I think around day 8, when i was feeling strong and capable, I was powering through class with gusto and confidence.  Everything about class energized me and each pose I did gave me more energy to go into the next pose.  But mostly when I do in class and before class is have this mental chatter with myself, my silent schizophrenic nature truly comes out during yoga.  Some days I spend the hours before class reassuring my apprehensions about my physical abilities by reiterating in my head how I can just lay in...yes, savasana forever, or at least during the whole class if I wanted.  (So far, I have never done this...but I do feel soothed by the option. Which reminds me of the quote I posted from Pema Chodron the other day)  Then when I get to class, I fidget on my towel and mat until the teacher comes in, too afraid to actually lie in savasana before class, lest I fall asleep and snore and sleep through pranayama breathing.  Then when class starts, I fidget more than ever, trying to get my flipping feet straight on my towel.  i never achieve this simple status, straight feet, all through class.  Once we hit the 6th pose, Balancing Stick, Tuladandasana, my mind chatter softens and I am using every ounce of my energy to simply be in the poses and breathe slowly, in and out through my nose.  And then...that sweet, yet taunting, savasana.  I love it.  But along with it comes that mind chatter again, loud and clear.  I remind myself of what poses I can sit out of in the rest of the series.  And so it continues through the remainder of class.  Even on the days when I do every posture, I still toy with the idea of when and where I will take it easy...busily planning the last 30 minutes of class.

Needless to say, this is not the ideal way to be through a Bikram Yoga class.  And neither is it advised to push yourself to do all the poses because you spot some really skinny mom from your kid's school right behind you and you think you have something to prove.  yea, I know your youngest kid is under one and you are in better shape than most teenagers, but this chunky mama is totally kicking your ass at yoga. so there!  um, yea...NOT ADVISED.

what I am advising myself to do today at class, day 20, is to work more on making this truly a moving meditation and less of a mental mind fuck.  Cause really...that is not getting me anywhere.  and maybe therein lies the question...where i am so busy trying to get to anyway?  Today I will use as much effort during savasana as I do during triangle pose...using my tools from meditating with Pema...reminding myself that I am thinking and bringing myself back to my breath.  Keeping it simple.  If I can master my mind in 105 degrees, slippery with sweat, my muscles trembling...then imagine what I can bring to my life off the yoga mat.

xoxomelissa

The 2 breathing exercises and 26 postures of Bikram Yoga.

feeling good?

yoga.

Just got back from day 13 of the 30 day challenge.  and i know i am passing judgement here, and setting my expectation on having a "good" experience, but man, today's class was great!  the past two days have been hellish.  i don't know if it was me, or the heat, or my lack of hydration...but something un-nameable was getting the best of me and i was totally struggling through class once again.  in fact, when i showed up today, i was quite nervous...i almost layed down during pranayama breathing, the very first thing we do in class.  my mind was darting everywhere, my feet were fidgeting in the crooked way i hold them together, and my eyes couldn't even see the straight line down the ceiling as i exhaled and looked back...because my mind had taken me far, far away into my fears.  i wasn't in the room.
and yet my body was doing the breathing, my lungs were filling and emptying, and somehow that called my mind back from another land, back into the room, back onto my mat.  half moon pose.  Ardha Chandrasana.  always breathing, slowly, in and out through the nose.  Pada-hastasana.  i went further into this pose than ever before.  and on i went, through every pose...with determination and strength.  sure it was still a challenge to do the poses, but i could breathe and do them, to the best of my ability.

so, day 13 was a good class.  and i especially loved when Meghan, our teacher this morning, shared how being in this heat and in an uncomfortable pose, using your mind strength to bear through it, to breathe through it...no matter how uncomfortable it is...this is one of the gifts we take out into the world.  we take this ability into our everyday lives and we can go through the inevitable uncomfortable situations that life brings, we can stay there and breathe and not run away.  and she shared how this leads to a more joyful life, in her experience.  totally.  and wouldn't you know, as soon as we got home (Jamie went with me today) we had a chance to work through an uncomfortable situation. it was over the fact that we disagreed on who got to use the car.  a simple spat, but one that had the potential to escalate...jamie invited me to stay with it and not run away.  and after a moment of thought, i stayed with it, and we worked it out.  now that is mind strength, cause i totally wanted to run.  avoid.  i actually had already opened the door to just walk away and go to Amy's upstairs.  but i didn't.  thank you, yoga.

meditation.

Yesterday I listened to disc 2 of the Pema Chodron CD How to Meditate, a Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind.  i was totally distracted, not to mention exhausted from the torturous yoga right before.  i felt guilty for not cleaning the house, for taking time for myself to go to yoga and then to sit a meditate for an hour.  i heard my phone buzz and it took every ounce of energy i had, not much, to not run and check it.  i was sure it was a dire situation that needed my immediate attention.  yet, i sat.  i have to say, i enjoy reading Pema more than listening and meditating with her.  probably because i can avoid my mind when i read...i get it all filled up with these great ideas and concepts that i don't have to sit and practice.  i get to keep reading, and feeling really great.  my mind is like, oh, yeah...totally Pema, i hear ya.  wow, you're awesome.  i get to not be in my mind.  so, today, even though i do have a ton of shit to do.  it's cooking by the way, one of my favorite things to do, so don't feel bad for me :)  i will take at least 15 minutes and sit.  no matter if i hear "mama mama mama mama MAMA MAMA!" or if i hear the phone buzz.  i can do it.

and I'll leave you with this from Pema's book, The Wisdom of No Escape.  (cause like i said, it feels so good to read, and I challenge you to take this concept into your life just once today.)

"There are two common forms of human neurosis.  One is getting caught up in worry and fear and hope, in wanting and not wanting, and things.  We continually try to get away from the pain by seeking pleasure (samsara), and in doing so, we just keep going around and around.  I'm hot so I open all the windows, and then I'm cold so I out on a sweater.  Then the sweater is itchy so I put some cream on my arms, and then that's sticky so I take a bath.  Then I am cold, so I close the windows, and on and on.

The other neurosis - which is just as common- is to get caught by peace and quiet, or liberation, or freedom.  This is what we all doing a subtle way.  If we have an experience of clarity or bliss, we want to keep it going.  That's what a lot of addiction is about, wanting to feel good forever, but it usually ends up not working out.  Sometimes that's expressed by arranging your life in such a way that it's very quiet, very smooth, very simplified; you become so attached to it that you just want to keep it like that.  You resist and resent any kind of change or noisy situation, messing everything up."

Sounds kinda like my desire for a "good" yoga class.
it is what it is.  keep breathing.
Just as I am.


peace, 
melissa

Day 10, So What.

Yesterday marked day 10 of my 30-day Bikram yoga challenge. The room swelled with heat. It felt hot like it had never been hotter before, and I knew this practice would push me deeper into each pose. I felt vital—uncompromised. I scored a position in the back, a new perspective from my usual spot (second row East side of the room). Compassion filled my my heart and pumped through my blood. When class began I filled my lungs past 6 seconds. Their capacity was the largest in Seattle. I inhaled every bit of oxygen in the room. My mind expanded into its own universe. Everything melted away, my elbows extended to the sky. The ceiling disappeared. They stretched so high into the atmosphere they weren’t elbows anymore. They were Everests. I exhaled and hung my head all the way back until I could see my own dry heels—mere foothills of my true height. I deeply exhaled exaggerating my mouth and pushing in my stomach to release the stale air burrowed in my chest. I was me. I wasn’t me. The neutral expression on my face slowly revealed the upturned corners of my mouth into a faint smile of joy!

At least that’s how I imagined it until some yogini-girl readjusted her mat, completely blocking my view.

staying on track....

Amazingly enough, I have been keeping on track this month so far.  and i mostly say that in reference to the meditation.  the yoga, as challenging as it can be, i have done before.  well, not 30 days in a row, but close.  the meditation on the other hand, i couldn't even do five minutes a day for a week when a friend of mine suggested we make a pact to do so.  But this week, i have made time to listen to my Pema CD, How to Meditate.

it is lovely to hear her voice and imagine i am in this meditation class with her.  her voice is more real, more human, less Buddhist nun than i imagined.  not that Buddhist nuns aren't human, i just imagine them as so far away from all the hustle and bustle that their voice softens to angelic proportions.  she sounded like the lady next door that maybe more from Boston thirty years ago.  So, i have done that a couple nights and i have meditated when i wake in the morning a couple times.  I stay extra long in savasana after class enjoying the quiet of my mind, my body melting into the floor.  i do find at home i am very distracted when i meditate.  i hear the kids, or i anticipate them barging in...or they actually to and just stand there repeating..."mama, mama....mama, mama...what are you doing?  mama, mama?"  i guess i am cultivating a strong mind....calm in the midst of family chaos.  but then, that is what i need, ultimately.  

and the 30 challenge.  today is day 5.  I plan on going to the AM class since i work in the evening.  Last night's class was super hot in the beginning, but it didn't bother me as much as a really hot class has in the past.  i think going everyday builds stamina, endurance, strength.  well, duh? right.  but man, it did seem to bother others, at least that was my story of what was going on.  one guy actually rolled up his mat and left. Never saw that before.  more people than ever went to the bathroom during class.  one woman even asked the teacher why it was so much hotter than usual, was that just her style?!  i couldn't believe it.  

sleep has been coming very, very early for me every night this week.  and i have been going with that, loving it.  and along with that have come many dreams.  a lot of them are about not making it to yoga, and missing a day.  i went to the 6:15am class the other day and i kept waking up, checking the time, because in my dream, i missed the class and it was the last one of the day and i was devastated that on day 3 my dedication was thwarted.  i just really want to follow through.  and on a side note, i also had a dream about my teeth falling out, this dream has not visited me in quite some time, but it used to often.  and it always feels awful, scary and very real.  and it followed suit this time, as my teeth fell out, one by one, i became increasingly upset.  until i realized, i had new teeth growing in underneath the lost ones.  this had never happened before, and i upon waking i took it as a good omen.  any dream interpreters out there have a clue?  then again, i trust my intuition...good omen indeed.

so, this morning, i blogged instead of meditating.  but after the kids go to school, and after yoga, and before work...I will listen to more of my class with Pema, and drift into my mind.  right on track.  (where does that saying even come from? )

xoxomelissa