So, really what this brings up for me is the sometimes subtle, but mostly glaring mind games i play during yoga class. and to be honest, all day long before class...and after. I think around day 8, when i was feeling strong and capable, I was powering through class with gusto and confidence. Everything about class energized me and each pose I did gave me more energy to go into the next pose. But mostly when I do in class and before class is have this mental chatter with myself, my silent schizophrenic nature truly comes out during yoga. Some days I spend the hours before class reassuring my apprehensions about my physical abilities by reiterating in my head how I can just lay in...yes, savasana forever, or at least during the whole class if I wanted. (So far, I have never done this...but I do feel soothed by the option. Which reminds me of the quote I posted from Pema Chodron the other day) Then when I get to class, I fidget on my towel and mat until the teacher comes in, too afraid to actually lie in savasana before class, lest I fall asleep and snore and sleep through pranayama breathing. Then when class starts, I fidget more than ever, trying to get my flipping feet straight on my towel. i never achieve this simple status, straight feet, all through class. Once we hit the 6th pose, Balancing Stick, Tuladandasana, my mind chatter softens and I am using every ounce of my energy to simply be in the poses and breathe slowly, in and out through my nose. And then...that sweet, yet taunting, savasana. I love it. But along with it comes that mind chatter again, loud and clear. I remind myself of what poses I can sit out of in the rest of the series. And so it continues through the remainder of class. Even on the days when I do every posture, I still toy with the idea of when and where I will take it easy...busily planning the last 30 minutes of class.
Needless to say, this is not the ideal way to be through a Bikram Yoga class. And neither is it advised to push yourself to do all the poses because you spot some really skinny mom from your kid's school right behind you and you think you have something to prove. yea, I know your youngest kid is under one and you are in better shape than most teenagers, but this chunky mama is totally kicking your ass at yoga. so there! um, yea...NOT ADVISED.
what I am advising myself to do today at class, day 20, is to work more on making this truly a moving meditation and less of a mental mind fuck. Cause really...that is not getting me anywhere. and maybe therein lies the question...where i am so busy trying to get to anyway? Today I will use as much effort during savasana as I do during triangle pose...using my tools from meditating with Pema...reminding myself that I am thinking and bringing myself back to my breath. Keeping it simple. If I can master my mind in 105 degrees, slippery with sweat, my muscles trembling...then imagine what I can bring to my life off the yoga mat.
|The 2 breathing exercises and 26 postures of Bikram Yoga.|