I had this idea in my head that if I was thinner, I wouldn't be nervous for the aerial silks class that Amy and I took this past Saturday. On the drive to Emerald City Trapeze, I shared that with Amy and she shook her head "No!", apparently unable to utter any words at that point. It turns out that Amy, although in appearances is fit and looks like she could hold her own in a silks class, was extremely apprehensive as well.
I hate to be all about the fact that I gained weight lately. But it consumes me, well, when I am not consuming burgers, fries, pizza and poutine. But for real, the fact is that I was the heaviest and weakest person in the class. It reminded me of the Single Ladies class I took with Dina. I felt so self conscious, with all these fit and capable people surpassing my every move. But I handled it better this time around. I attempted *almost* everything, and for that I am exceedingly proud.
|Our teacher demonstrating a trick I may never do.|
We did one silks skill where you learn how to climb up the silk. Some people were getting 10 to 20 feet in the air. I didn't even get past the first part where you get your foot in place, wrap the silk around it and hold it in place with the other foot, then use your arm strength to hang in that position while you attempt to lift your legs and do the same thing all over again. I held myself in place for a few seconds while trying real hard to get the foot hold, and that would have to be where I am. I am a true beginner.
At one point, I lost my footing while three feet in the air. I thought fir sure I was going to tumble out, injure my neck and be stuck on the ground with my foot forever tied into the blue silk. Our teacher was at the other silk, calmly helping another student. How did she not see me struggling? "Excuse me?" I interrupted, embarrassed. "I am having an issue!" I voiced with more authority that I had acquired through sheer terror. She, again, calmly walked over and help me out of what was actually no big deal at all.
|Look, Ma! No Hands!|
With aerial class behind me, and feeling like it went better than expected, I was on track to get more fit so I could be more active in class. On Monday, I went to Bikram. And it felt like the worst class ever. I had every amazing yogi in there's voice in my head; beating me up, putting me down and wondering why I even showed up to the studio since I was clearly unable to stand the heat. Monday I wanted to give up on it all.
Then there was today. And to be fair, my first cup of coffee in two weeks. I went to yoga and it was awesome. I didn't do every pose, but I felt stronger and my mind felt less swayed by my appearance and other's postures.
Maybe it all "really isn't any big deal at all"? All of it. All the drama. All the worries. All the stress. All the weight. Just start where you are. And if you're not ready to start, don't be hard on yourself. You will. You'll wake up from the dream that you're not good enough.