It's been about a month and a half now since I stopped going to school. This morning as I laid in bed, I heard Jamie opening the back door with a rushed purpose. I assumed he was taking out the trash, after washing the dishes, and trying to quickly get it all done before heading out to work. And it hit me, I have been taking everything slower these days. I have not really had a reason to scramble through my morning, trying to get everything done in 15 minutes.
It has become more and more clear that I get less done with more time. Having all this time leads me to a slower pace, which leads me to not getting as much done. Something about shoving everything into a short period of time lends itself to frantically industrious days. I have always thrived in last-minute scenarios and crisis inducing time lines. So, while I am treasuring this slower time...I think I miss the rush.
Today I will be spending my day writing my "letter of intent" to Seattle University's nurse midwifery program. It is due this Thursday, a self imposed procrastination to bring about a last minute (hopeful) spark of brilliance. I find it hard to write about myself in a way that "sells" who I am to someone else. This blog style writing where I can be self deprecating and frank about how life can really suck sometimes, and through that honesty find inspiration comes much more naturally.
It's funny to reflect about missing being busy. Especially since when I am busy, it seems like all I do is complain about it. Or use it as an excuse for not being better at keeping in touch with people or getting my chores done. Or maybe it is simply the culturally acceptable way to be, so I share and commiserate with all the other unfortunate souls with whom I share this frenzied state of being. Busy.
Is that where I get my adrenaline rushes? Through running all over the apartment picking up laundry, wiping up spilled maple syrup on the table, squeezing in a blog post between dropping the kids off and vacuuming? While others jump off trapeze platforms or catch big waves to get it all going inside, to feel alive. I have to say though, after experiencing the rush of the trapeze vs. a busy mom rush, they don't compare. One is more succinct in its aliveness, the other feels chronic and never ending. Maybe I don't miss it after all.
Perhaps it comes down to balance? Rest/Work/Play.
I am so not good at balance.
And lately, I just stop and wonder...if we are not good at something, why do we often assume that we need to be? I wonder if just living strongly into who we are, right now, is just as "good" as becoming a "better" person by changing what we are not good at.
Have a great Monday....no matter how it shows up. Slow. Fast. Or the just right balance of the two.