Tuesday, November 29, 2011

She's a natural!

posted by Melissa Baumgart
The title of this post is NOT about me.  While I look awkward and bent in all the wrong ways, my daughter, Lily, has superb form.  Her body naturally arcs back exactly like they instructed us to, her eyes remain on her hands, her toes are pointed and then she lifts her feet up through her arms and onto the trapeze bar with ease and grace.  It is beautiful to watch.

When I am up there, standing with my toes over the edge, feet spread apart and knees bent in the "Ready" position, I envision myself jumping off and looking just like Lily.  (Reminds me of poker...and I quote, "I feel like a winner, but I just keep losing.")  In my trapeze fantasy, my legs are straight, my tummy taut and I fly above the net with agility and poise. In my trapeze reality, as evidenced by many photos that I will not be posting,  my legs are bent at the knee, they are dangling apart and my belly is hanging over my somewhat fallen pants after my ill fated attempt at performing the knee hang.

That's now become the hardest part of trapeze for me.  We are going to the big Trapeze Party tonight, the one that I organized and may end up paying more than I bargained for, and I don't want to go.  It's not that I am afraid to climb back up that ladder, I mean, I am still afraid, but not like the first time.  It's that I am embarrassed.  That's totally different.

I know it's OK to not be good at things.  And, when it was just me and a few people, I felt proud to have simply stood up there and had the balls to jump.  But now that so many people I know will be watching, I want to be good at it.  I know they will all be good at it and I want to be a part of that crowd.  High-fiving and confident.

Lily hugging me after I finally got the knee hang.
Being insecure is like being afraid.  It doesn't feel good, you want nothing more than for it to go away, and yet, there it is...stuck to you like pine sap on your hands after looking for the perfect Christmas tree.  Not that I am picky about my trees, for real, I am not.  Just been thinking about Christmas trees.

So, there it is.  Airing out all my "dirty laundry" so to speak.  
Putting myself out there, hanging myself on that trapeze bar like my stained kitchen tablecloth that never gets clean is out hanging for all the neighbors to see.

So, I guess that is saying I am going to do it tonight.  But I am not saying I'll like it.



Cassandra said...

I just have to comment that I think it's awesome that you guys are going out there and trying something different/hard. Very few people are willing to tackle scary things and I'm impressed that you guys are out there trying MANY things. :) :)

Melissa Baumgart said...

That means so much to me! Sometimes I think it is just the simple fact that I do these things that are so outside of my normal everyday life, you know, that that is enough. So what if I can't trapeze as good as the next person. At least I tried. And that may lead me to my next post! :)
Thanks so much for reading....

Unknown said...

As a participant of said party, you gotta know, you looked nothing like a failure! You were great! And I gotta say I loved failing in front of everyone together. Because every time one of us jumped off that platform it seemed like a success. I was so proud to be there with everyone. I am so grateful that you put yourself out there to try to do something that you aren't perfect at. That to me is living and I love doing that together!

Melissa Baumgart said...

Thanks, "Unknown"! I did have fun with everyone. But, if I am honest, there is still a part of me that wishes I could have done the damn knee hang...

Anonymous said...

And there are others of us who wish we were able to come and participate with you. You have both bravery and ability, my friend, and you have them in abundance. Don't let those little voices inside tell you any different. You are the epitome of grace whether hanging or not and you get so many points for trying and doing while others sit and watch and wish they had your courage and gumption. You inspire us all.

Melissa Baumgart said...

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for such kind words. Wow, I was kinda blown away when I read that. Those little voices sure do know how to project their voice, and I am deeply grateful that yours overshadowed them enough for me to accept myself just as I am.
A beautiful gift.
Thank you,