She's a natural!

Lily.

posted by Melissa Baumgart
The title of this post is NOT about me.  While I look awkward and bent in all the wrong ways, my daughter, Lily, has superb form.  Her body naturally arcs back exactly like they instructed us to, her eyes remain on her hands, her toes are pointed and then she lifts her feet up through her arms and onto the trapeze bar with ease and grace.  It is beautiful to watch.

When I am up there, standing with my toes over the edge, feet spread apart and knees bent in the "Ready" position, I envision myself jumping off and looking just like Lily.  (Reminds me of poker...and I quote, "I feel like a winner, but I just keep losing.")  In my trapeze fantasy, my legs are straight, my tummy taut and I fly above the net with agility and poise. In my trapeze reality, as evidenced by many photos that I will not be posting,  my legs are bent at the knee, they are dangling apart and my belly is hanging over my somewhat fallen pants after my ill fated attempt at performing the knee hang.

Me.

That's now become the hardest part of trapeze for me.  We are going to the big Trapeze Party tonight, the one that I organized and may end up paying more than I bargained for, and I don't want to go.  It's not that I am afraid to climb back up that ladder, I mean, I am still afraid, but not like the first time.  It's that I am embarrassed.  That's totally different.

I know it's OK to not be good at things.  And, when it was just me and a few people, I felt proud to have simply stood up there and had the balls to jump.  But now that so many people I know will be watching, I want to be good at it.  I know they will all be good at it and I want to be a part of that crowd.  High-fiving and confident.

Lily hugging me after I finally got the knee hang.

Being insecure is like being afraid.  It doesn't feel good, you want nothing more than for it to go away, and yet, there it is...stuck to you like pine sap on your hands after looking for the perfect Christmas tree.  Not that I am picky about my trees, for real, I am not.  Just been thinking about Christmas trees.

So, there it is.  Airing out all my "dirty laundry" so to speak.  
Putting myself out there, hanging myself on that trapeze bar like my stained kitchen tablecloth that never gets clean is out hanging for all the neighbors to see.

So, I guess that is saying I am going to do it tonight.  But I am not saying I'll like it.

-Melissa