|Maybe I should stick with a swing.|
November is here. Already. When I settled on the idea of doing trapeze for one of our months, Amy and I had just finished our first 30 Day Challenge of Bikram yoga. I was feeling strong, capable and perhaps a bit daring. It seems it is easier to feel daring when something is far into the future.
Flash forward 10 months, and here I sit, staring at the flying trapeze right in my face. Like I mentioned before, I am a number of pounds heavier a lot less daring, and certainly not nearly as strong physically. I did start back to yoga last week and went 6 out of 7 days. I plan on doing that again this week. I think it will help, but I still feel very hesitant about trapeze. So much so that I couldn't even bring myself to do our signature photo shoot this month. What would I wear? Where would we shoot? I was uninspired.
How am I going to be able to lift myself with my own arm strength up an aerial silk? Also add in my fear of heights, and how in the world will I be able to jump off that flying trapeze platform. Shit. What have I got myself into? Oh, and by the way, our first class is this Saturday!
Where am I going?
Then there is the rest of my life. Ever since I got kicked out of school, I have felt a bit stuck. I rushed into the decision to go to school, because that is the way it was presented to me. I had about 2 minutes to decide whether I was going to school or not. I jumped in, and gave it everything. But now that there is this lull, this pause for some reflection, I feel lost.
Do I really want to be a nurse? Was I in it for the money? Would I rather open a little cafe since I love to cook? Would I rather dedicate myself more to the blog and see how this could grow? Would I rather join the OWS political movement and give my time and effort there? Or should I help Jamie get his business growing by helping with office/paperwork/advertising?
And why isn't it clear? Does anyone out there know for certain that they are fulfilling their life's destiny? I just want to feel satisfied with my work, like I am helping humanity in some way, make enough money to have a simple and easy life, and have enough me time for things like yoga.
How will it look?
When I am standing up there on the flying trapeze platform, scared shitless to jump, will I feel so alive that everything becomes clear? I can only hope so, because otherwise, I don't know if I'll be able to convince myself to get up there.