Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Pregnant Melinda's Next Move

Posted by Melissa Baumgart (aka Melinda)
Begrudgingly, I went to hot yoga yesterday.  I was seriously in tears the night before.  I didn't want to shove what I perceive as my chubby body into the tight yoga clothes I used to wear...and stand next to my very fit friend I was invited to go with.  I always hate that this is an issue with me, but it is.  It is ever present.  I believe at this point, that it is more about my mental state of being, and less about the way my body looks.  I would venture to say that it is a state of mind that many women drift towards; some more, some less.

The fact that I love my friend so much, and want to spend time with her, trumped my negativity.  I showed up at the 9:30 am class, nervous, but ready to sweat.  It was difficult, but not nearly as hard as I had anticipated.  The class postures were just as I had expected, 26 poses and two sets of each, and that was a comfort.  The discipline of the form relaxed my fears.  What I didn't expect was the scale in the corner of the bathroom.  Tempted as I was before class, I did not step on it, for fear that the number would haunt me the entire class.  I knew didn't need the extra mental pressure.

After class, though, curiosity won.  I stepped on the scale.  166.  It's not my top weight, but it is up there.  On the BMI calculator, I qualify as overweight, by 3 tenths of a point.   I am 25.2, and normal range is from 18.5 to 24.9.  The calculator I used allows you to set goals, and gives you caloric requirements per day to achieve those goals.  I set my goal to lose 2 pounds per week, and reach a final weight of 140.  That should take 13 weeks.

I have done this before.  Two years ago, I lost 30 pounds.  I know I can do it.  But it is scary to publicly set forth a goal like this.  And it's a little humbling to have worked so hard for something and then realize you chose to let it slip away.  My mind races with questions.  What if I don't follow through?  What if I fail?  What if I succeed and then give ti all away again?  What if...?

I would venture to say that my larger fear is that I will meet my goal and still be in this mind frame.  That I will still see my problem areas as if they are highlighted in bold print.  My simple task in this area is going to be as follows:  As soon as I hear that inner voice being critical, I will say to myself, "You are a beautiful person."  Simple.  We all are, right?  Who am I to argue with that.  Beauty, after all, is more than skin deep.

In order to kick start this goal, and since I have the week off of school, I am devoting my free day time to ME TIME!  Everyday this week I will go to water aerobics and Bikram yoga.  I will turn down the potato chips and french fries and opt for kale and almonds.  And every time I am critical of myself when I look in that unforgiving mirror at yoga class or in the ladies locker room at the pool, I will remind myself, "I am a beautiful person."  Inside and out.

It feels good to be transparent.  What do they say?  Acceptance is the first step?  It's all out there now!

Right now, I am off to my favorite Green Lake water fitness class, and then to my favorite yoga studio, The Sweatbox!  I can't wait to see all the familiar faces.


Quick Update:  I went to both classes and I feel great!  Day two of water aerobics/Bikram yoga is finished!  And YES, I did have to use my little mantra many times.  But the point it, that I remembered to use it!


laurac said...

Melissa, you are brave and strong and true. Thanks for sharing.

Melissa Baumgart said...

Thank You, Laura! I work at it every day. And maybe I'll see you at the studio this week. Thanks for reading, and sharing your thoughts.

martinis6777@aol.com said...

Melissa, the words in ur post couldn't align with the thoughts in my head any harder if they tried! It gives me so much comfort to know that someone out there is experiencing the same feelings ... I have just re-lost the 40 lbs I packed on after my mom passed, and couldn't be more self conscious or aware of my physical "defaults" . I am in the process of retraining how I talk to myself. It is simply hard to undo a thought process that has been in exsistance since my memories began...I read ur blog all the time and have complete faith in ur ability to accomplish whatever u set ur mind to do! I've found ur posts to be a constant source of inspiration, as everyday I wake up I must recommit to a healthy way of living...one day at a time - u so got this ;)

Cassandra said...

Melissa, it is scary to post a weight loss goal on a public blog. But if anyone can succeed, you can! :) Good luck and great job making it to both classes!

Melissa Baumgart said...

@martinis6777 - congratulations on re-losing the 40 pounds! ANd sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I was just talking to a friend about emotional eating patterns yesterday, very powerful. It can be a challenge to mentally be stronger than the easy comfort that food can bring. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for reading along. It is my intention to inspire people, to be a useful tool to someone out there in the world...and I am so grateful that you are inspired by reading GLWT! That re-inspires me!

Melissa Baumgart said...

Scary, indeed! and thanks for your vote of confidence. Believe it or not, it will truly help me along the way. I know there will be a day that I am feeling wobbly on my determination, and I will see your words "But if anyone can succeed, you can!" and I will get up and go!
Thank you so much!

Bob Redmond said...

Wow, this is impressive Melissa--your determination and commitments to take care of yourself are always an inspiration.

Melissa Baumgart said...

Thanks, Bob! That means a lot!