Begrudgingly, I went to hot yoga yesterday. I was seriously in tears the night before. I didn't want to shove what I perceive as my chubby body into the tight yoga clothes I used to wear...and stand next to my very fit friend I was invited to go with. I always hate that this is an issue with me, but it is. It is ever present. I believe at this point, that it is more about my mental state of being, and less about the way my body looks. I would venture to say that it is a state of mind that many women drift towards; some more, some less.
The fact that I love my friend so much, and want to spend time with her, trumped my negativity. I showed up at the 9:30 am class, nervous, but ready to sweat. It was difficult, but not nearly as hard as I had anticipated. The class postures were just as I had expected, 26 poses and two sets of each, and that was a comfort. The discipline of the form relaxed my fears. What I didn't expect was the scale in the corner of the bathroom. Tempted as I was before class, I did not step on it, for fear that the number would haunt me the entire class. I knew didn't need the extra mental pressure.
After class, though, curiosity won. I stepped on the scale. 166. It's not my top weight, but it is up there. On the BMI calculator, I qualify as overweight, by 3 tenths of a point. I am 25.2, and normal range is from 18.5 to 24.9. The calculator I used allows you to set goals, and gives you caloric requirements per day to achieve those goals. I set my goal to lose 2 pounds per week, and reach a final weight of 140. That should take 13 weeks.
I would venture to say that my larger fear is that I will meet my goal and still be in this mind frame. That I will still see my problem areas as if they are highlighted in bold print. My simple task in this area is going to be as follows: As soon as I hear that inner voice being critical, I will say to myself, "You are a beautiful person." Simple. We all are, right? Who am I to argue with that. Beauty, after all, is more than skin deep.
In order to kick start this goal, and since I have the week off of school, I am devoting my free day time to ME TIME! Everyday this week I will go to water aerobics and Bikram yoga. I will turn down the potato chips and french fries and opt for kale and almonds. And every time I am critical of myself when I look in that unforgiving mirror at yoga class or in the ladies locker room at the pool, I will remind myself, "I am a beautiful person." Inside and out.
It feels good to be transparent. What do they say? Acceptance is the first step? It's all out there now!
Right now, I am off to my favorite Green Lake water fitness class, and then to my favorite yoga studio, The Sweatbox! I can't wait to see all the familiar faces.
Quick Update: I went to both classes and I feel great! Day two of water aerobics/Bikram yoga is finished! And YES, I did have to use my little mantra many times. But the point it, that I remembered to use it!