Tuesday, September 28, 2010

my "story"

today in my doula class the teacher was talking about how we bring our "stories" into the birth room, or carry them around through life.  at lunch i started thinking about food, imagine that!  and i was thinking about how much i love food.  and then i remembered a friend of mine telling me how her husband told her one day, during a fight about the lack of sex in their life, that he had the largest sexual appetite of any man. seriously?  i think he actually believed this.  so, why i thought of that i don't know, but somehow it came from the meshed ideas of his "story" and my appetite for food.  and i realized, i have my own story, quite like my friend's husband...I love food more than anyone else walking this earth.  absurd.  i know.  but i think that is how a lot of our stories sound once we say them out loud, and yet we can live our lives as if they are true.  for me, I will eat more and more food because, i mean, why wouldn't i?  i need to.  it is so damn good, everything about it is sooooo good.   i love food more than anyone.  more than you.  so move over and give me that baguette.  :)

and this has been my life, realization after realization, and not much movement after that.  or at least so slow that i get impatient and feel like i am not growing.  maybe i am being too hard on myself (um, virgo?) or maybe i get lazy and don't want to do the work.  i think through this cleanse, and without the crutch of food, i am having space to notice things...and to really sit with them longer than i have in the past.  i would be onto the next meal...feeling really good.  or having a glass of wine...feeling really good.  and avoiding the place or emotions that i had just cultivated.  i think meditation month is going to be so good for me.  and i mean, i am reading all these Pema books...which have a lot of life wisdom in them, but they are grounded in having a meditation practice.  that comes up in january.

so, here we are on day 5.  almost 6pm.  not feeling too bad, although the morning, i have to say, is not the high point of my day.  i felt shaky and foggy.  and last night, i had an awful time going to sleep, all these scary images flashing in the darkness of my closed eyelids.  clenching my jaw.  tossing and turning.  i have not had restful sleep the past couple of nights.  but as i sit here and type, i feel pretty good.  i had a great day, being in an inspiring class.  it was easier to be on the cleanse there...no whining kids, no husband to fight with.  ps. i do love you, jamie and kids :)  just sitting there listening...and i noticed that too, more listening, clearly listening instead of always in my own thoughts.  that clarity i mentioned yesterday was with me again today.  of course it goes right out the window when my kids start flipping out.  but hey, i am human.

i went to a potluck last night at the kids school.  i even cooked chili for it.  and i didn't give into temptation.  i guess when i put my mind to something i can follow through.  i need to remember that one. since my go to emotion these days seems to be overwhelm.  i can get through.  i can set my intention on how to handle something and no matter how hard i think it might be...when i actually follow through on my plan, it's never as hard as i had anticipated.


No comments: