today in my doula class the teacher was talking about how we bring our "stories" into the birth room, or carry them around through life. at lunch i started thinking about food, imagine that! and i was thinking about how much i love food. and then i remembered a friend of mine telling me how her husband told her one day, during a fight about the lack of sex in their life, that he had the largest sexual appetite of any man. seriously? i think he actually believed this. so, why i thought of that i don't know, but somehow it came from the meshed ideas of his "story" and my appetite for food. and i realized, i have my own story, quite like my friend's husband...I love food more than anyone else walking this earth. absurd. i know. but i think that is how a lot of our stories sound once we say them out loud, and yet we can live our lives as if they are true. for me, I will eat more and more food because, i mean, why wouldn't i? i need to. it is so damn good, everything about it is sooooo good. i love food more than anyone. more than you. so move over and give me that baguette. :)
and this has been my life, realization after realization, and not much movement after that. or at least so slow that i get impatient and feel like i am not growing. maybe i am being too hard on myself (um, virgo?) or maybe i get lazy and don't want to do the work. i think through this cleanse, and without the crutch of food, i am having space to notice things...and to really sit with them longer than i have in the past. i would be onto the next meal...feeling really good. or having a glass of wine...feeling really good. and avoiding the place or emotions that i had just cultivated. i think meditation month is going to be so good for me. and i mean, i am reading all these Pema books...which have a lot of life wisdom in them, but they are grounded in having a meditation practice. that comes up in january.
so, here we are on day 5. almost 6pm. not feeling too bad, although the morning, i have to say, is not the high point of my day. i felt shaky and foggy. and last night, i had an awful time going to sleep, all these scary images flashing in the darkness of my closed eyelids. clenching my jaw. tossing and turning. i have not had restful sleep the past couple of nights. but as i sit here and type, i feel pretty good. i had a great day, being in an inspiring class. it was easier to be on the cleanse there...no whining kids, no husband to fight with. ps. i do love you, jamie and kids :) just sitting there listening...and i noticed that too, more listening, clearly listening instead of always in my own thoughts. that clarity i mentioned yesterday was with me again today. of course it goes right out the window when my kids start flipping out. but hey, i am human.
i went to a potluck last night at the kids school. i even cooked chili for it. and i didn't give into temptation. i guess when i put my mind to something i can follow through. i need to remember that one. since my go to emotion these days seems to be overwhelm. i can get through. i can set my intention on how to handle something and no matter how hard i think it might be...when i actually follow through on my plan, it's never as hard as i had anticipated.