windy

i was wishing i had my camera yesterday, and that i could have got a shot of a flying leaf through the air.  but they were moving fast.  we don't get much extreme weather here in the pacific north west, and not that it was extreme, more exciting.  the kids on the playground after school were running around trying to catch yellow leaves as they swiftly darted through the gray sky.  it was quite beautiful, both in colors and sight and in my heart.  so simple, so innocent...what i thought having kids would be like before i had them.  no yelling and fighting, no video games, no hitting and whining.  just kids having fun, in nature.  i tried to recreate that dream i had about children, the one i woke up from oh around when lily was 19months old and i had levi.  maybe it happened before then during pregnancy when she was one and i watched three other kids in my home.  regardless, i tried to piece that dream back together by sending my kids to a waldorf school.  keep them sheltered and innocent a little longer.  let them be kids and play instead of stuffing mathematics and reading in every free space, and then some, as early as kindergarten.  5 years old. but all i ended up with was more chaos at home...i couldn't keep up with the joneses of waldorf perfection, nor could my wallet.  stress.  but it wasn't all bad and i am grateful for our time there, i just don't think it is all it's cracked up to be (well, what i had it cracked up to be, as i can only speak for myself).  it's not all chasing leaves.  they do their best, but look, even public school kids chase leaves...and that warmed my heart, and especially more so since all the kids on the playground weren't of one race or SES.  (socioeconomic status...one my new favorite terms to throw around.)
it's those little moments, the little ones that maybe only take up five minutes of my life, but fill my soul more than the rest of the hours i spend alive that day.  you gotta keep an eye out for them.  even in the midst of chaos or despair...there is a silver lining.  sometimes not apparent until later, when you see its glittery hint as you are walking away from a storm, when you look back thinking...what the fuck was that?  and you get it.  you have a moment where life makes sense, where you know you are right where you need to be.  i am trying to keep my eyes open, and to trust that the silver lining is there.  every day.  even today. even at my job.  that i hate.  but oh how i wish i were looking back at my job for the hint of glitter.  looking back from the forward distance of not working at a place i have stayed past my intended due date of leaving.  well, anyway...
as i walk around with my camera these days, i am looking for moments.  capturing things that i find that take me out of the everyday.  things that remind me that life has surprises and heart warming images in the midst of a storm.  which is why i really really wished i hadn't left my camera yesterday.  eh, i doubt i could have actually caught a leaf in mid flight anyway.  but i will remember it today.
have a good one...
xoxomelissa