Learning how to Fly Fish

Posted by Melissa Baumgart
Very early Saturday morning, Green Lake was quietly abuzz with runners and swimmers.  Standing on the dock with a full jug of coffee (Thanks, Edie!) were Me, Amy, and four other women all ready for our fly casting lesson.  The original plan was to spend the whole day out near Fall City, on a river, in all of nature's glory.  When there was a miscommunication about which day it was scheduled for, we had to once again roll with the punches, as we often do.

So, we ended up at Green Lake, and like I said, very early.  A couple of us (yes, me included) admitted to waking up with a bit of the feeling like we really weren't going to be into this.  But since we had committed, and paid already, we'd go anyway.  For me personally, once I stepped out onto the dock and felt the sun start to warm my back, I was quickly won over.  And I hadn't even picked up a pole yet.

Our casting instructor, Loren, walked us through putting together a fly fishing pole.  The whole reel situation seemed a lot easier than I recall conventional fishing poles to be.  Once we had the line set up, Loren told us the basics of casting.  We didn't use hooks, thankfully, because I know I whacked myself in the face with that line a number of times.  But if we had, maybe we could have caught the huge fish I saw jump up out of the water!

Here's are the top three things I took home about fly casting:

• Do not flick your wrist.  Keep your wrist straight the entire time.  
• "Picking it up, and putting it down."  Loren told us to think of it like you're picking up a phone, bringing it right up to your ear, using your shoulder in the lift instead of tilting your wrist back to reach your ear.  And then hang up, put the phone down.  We all had fun with this one.  Thinking how soon a new generation isn't really going to get the picking up the phone, since it is always in hand already.  At some points all you could hear were the mutterings of six women reminding ourselves to pick it up and put it down.
• The Pause.  At each stop with the pole, moving back and forth, from front to back, (think 10 and 2 like on a clock), you have a pause.  It's not even a second long, but it's there.  Without it, there is no release of the line, and it just whacks around in the air without grace and flow.  When you get the pause right, it really is a beautiful thing.  

Like many things, it takes a good degree of relaxation in your muscle tone to really "get" it.  But, as a beginner, I found my mind was racing with trying to remember all the how-to minutia, and my body instinctually shifted into a rigid stiffness.  Then, at some point, when my mind drifted off, there would be a moment, where I really felt like I was in the rhythm of it.  The line was looping just the way he taught us, my hand/shoulder motion was "picking it up and putting it down" in just the right way...and inevitably I would start thinking again, and it was gone.

What a life lesson.  Stay present, relax and don't over think it.  

This has come up numerous times during the adventures of this blog.  Definitely during drumming, and then yoga for sure, and learning the Single Ladies dance.  I imagine it is what accomplished musicians experience, or athletes at the top of their game.  Those moments where you transcend the everyday and leave the constant mind chatter behind, and you just are. 

I don't know if I will ever get there with fly fishing, I mean, I can't imagine the perils of just putting a hook on the end of that line.  Maybe I'll just spend my time casting.  Finding my meditative self through fly casting, never catching anything but myself.  Wow, I sound like some crazy lady now.  "Have you heard about the lady at Green lake, she just stands there, casting a fly fishing pole, but doesn't even have a hook."  Yep, that's me, I might just be crazy enough to do it.

Yes, I admit to Keeping Up

posted by Melissa Baumgart
Yesterday I watched the Kardashians.  It was mid morning and I wrapped up in a blanket, sat on the couch, and watched Kloe's wedding.  I experienced a myriad of thoughts and feelings.  They ranged from satisfied, relaxed, pathetic and embarrassed to apathetic, justified and lazy.  I had cramps, and it seems like lately (since I am unemployed and not in school) it's my monthly excuse to plop my butt on the couch and do a little "Keeping up", if you know what I mean.

I know I said in a previous, inspired post, that I would never ever watch that show about the 1% again.  And yet, there I sat, guiltily subdued by the drama and bling.

I could have been working on finding funding for school. (NOT, because every time I go talk to the person they send me to, that new person has no idea why they sent me there in the first place.  It is a hamster wheel of educational and government bureaucracy and all I want to do lately is jump off and lay in the smelly cedar chips that make up the cage called my life.)

I could have been singing karaoke, but then I would have had to plug in the machine.  And get dressed, because the TV is right in front of our big window.

I could have went to yoga with Jamie, but I would have had to have drank a lot more water in preparation.  I hadn't.

I could have cleaned the house.    

Instead, I did nothing.

Why do we feel so bad about doing nothing?  Or about going back on passionate declarations about what we will and won't do with ourselves.  Isn't it human to do these things?  Isn't it after all just one day out of our life, or a couple hours?  And then a new day dawns, perhaps like this morning with an amazing sunrise over the mountains.  See, I knew it was over the mountains, even though I couldn't see them because I live in the first floor dark dungeon apartment, not the airy and open, light filled third floor apartment.

But anyway, a new day does come around, no matter on which floor you reside.  A new list of things to accomplish gets drawn up and you just get to work.  It's 10:20am and I already have four out of the 12 things crossed off.  Not too shabby for a girl that sometimes just can't resist that temptation to Keep Up. 

maybe you are exactly where you need to be

posted by Melissa

Are the birds always chirping early in the morning?  Or is it truly only after we set our clocks ahead and lose an hour of sleep...as if their sweet delicate sounds are our consolation for that one less hour of sleep.  Works for me.  I can hear them now as I type, the rest of the house still asleep...coffee by my keyboard, laundry started, birthday cake ordered (yes, I am not making Lily's birthday cake this year, so, now you know I don't milk my own goats and I am not making my 11 year old's birthday cake.  But I usually do.  Let go, Melissa)...the sun is sorta peeking through the trees and I have time to blog.

Not my backyard, but a photo I took at Seward Park.  Sun and trees

The math test is done.  I scored very well on the Pre-Algebra, and so-so on the Algebra.  Someone I talked to said I placed as high as I could, but I am left to wonder if that is true after looking at the nursing program's prerequisites.  I have a couple meetings today at the school to see what is what.  I can tell you, I am feeling hopeful.  Cautiously optimistic.

A couple Saturdays ago we were watching that advanced tai chi class up on 15th Ave.  As the students began to show up and begin their intimate "pushing hands" warm up, I got this sense that I knew them.  Everyone looked familiar.  It happened again this past Saturday at the tai chi open practice I went to.  Does that ever happen to you?  It's like a deja vu, but different.

I used to think that it meant I had a "soul contract" (something I learned about in my astrology classes) with these people.  And while a soul contract can be a positive thing, meaning we choose before we came here to the Earth to work things out, fall in love, or be a mother to certain other souls.  Only I interpreted it as a message that we were all going to die together.

I used to think about death a lot, and yet it scared me.  I spent years of my life, in a panic that I was about to die at any moment.  So,

Seattle Kung Fu Club

Posted by Amy Baranski 

So, on the Tai Chi front - I just spoke with the person at the Seattle Kung Fu Club regarding their Tai Chi class. It's $45 for a uniform, $50 for membership fee, and $95 (monthly) if you go 1 time a week. It's $150 (monthly) if you go to class 2-3 times a week. There's no introductory offer.

Thrilling screenshot of the Seattle Kung Fu Club site.

Where the hell is Groupon when you need them? Oh I forgot, they're raking in millions before their IPO exploiting Tibetans. Tangent - sorry.
I've heard such reputable recommendations about Seattle Kung Fu Club and the Sifu S.S. Leong was endorsed by last weekend's Tai Chi instructor. I might just have to figure out a way to swing this.

After speaking with the nice woman on the phone I learned that the Seattle Kung Fu Club requires you to register as a student and sign up at least two days in advance of your first class. They also offer the option to watch a class, which sounds free. So I could come tonight (except I can't because I have a yoga class) and watch the class and meet with the instructor. Tai Chi classes at the Seattle Kung Fu Club Central location (in the International District) are offered Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6pm to 7:30pm and Saturday from 11am-12:30pm.

I don't know if I can make a commitment to enrolling this month, especially when there are some free weekend sessions, but I can make a commitment to watching a class and meeting with the Sifu this month. Unfortunately because of some scheduling snafus this weekend will not include a trek to the Seattle Kung Fu Club. I'm going to target next Saturday for a visit there. This Saturday however I'm going to watch the advanced class taught at Dance Underground (a space up on 15th Ave.) by Saul Krotki. It starts at 7:30am. That's going to be challenging on a Saturday. But I do it all for the blog. It's all for the blog!

Saul emailed me back and said that they are a mature group of people with students who've been studying 10 years or more. They are devoted to the teachings of Professor Cheng Man-ch'ing. Krotki was his student in New York City in the 1960's.  So I can't wait to meet him!

Note to self: if you want to do something successfully e.g. devoting a whole month to exploring Tai Chi, do some research at least a month in advance, and maybe don't join a 30-day yoga challenge. Just some thoughts.

Day 10 of 30 Day Yoga

Posted by Amy Baranski

UPDATE: Class on Day 10 started out really marvelous until the entire left side of my body cramped up including what felt like an oncoming Charlie Horse in my left calf. I Savasana-ed it up after that and teetered out (almost didn't even attempt the floor series) until my teacher for whatever reason gave me a very compassionate pat on the back. Was it to say you're okay? Or, I understand? Or, you can do it? I don't know but it was the nicest thing that anyone has done for me in awhile. Such a simple, compassionate gesture. It helped me do the next pose which was Cobra. Such a wonderful moment in my practice.

As mentioned previously, there's a 30 day yoga challenge happening at The Sweatbox, my favorite little sweat-filled nook of Capitol Hill (although the Hot House is pretty awesome). Around days 7 and 8 I started noticing some pain in my spine. It feels like a short metal rod is stuck in the midsection. I only feel it when I back bend and forward bend.

Standing Deep Breathing. It's harder than it looks!

It's made a lot of the intense spine work scarier. I've been trying to work through it but started backing off a little (okay a lot). I'm not sure if it's because I'm working on building the support muscles for the spine--my core strength does not feel very strong--or if I've compressed my spine too much. Maybe it's just how it's supposed to feel (which Jamie says probably not). I really hope I'm not doing something wrong.

Jaime and Melissa loaned me their Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class book with photographs of the poses. I've been referencing this since I first started practicing Bikram at the beginning of January. So it's back to the book to read again and try to adjust my entrance into these poses. Pada-Hastasana (Hands to Feed Pose) was super intense on my spine yesterday, at least the first set was. So was Sasangasana, which, WOW, has been opening up my spine in ways I did not know were possible. But, I'm still having a lot of pain/sensation especially the more I suck in my stomach and round my spine. In this pose, though, it kind of "feels good."

Laura, one of my teachers was commenting that during the 30-day challenge this is around the time that students might start feeling tightness in their spine or other areas. I'm also experiencing some serious knots in my left shoulder--which has long been my physical stress vault.

Perhaps related to all this is that I've been having a really difficult time with Pranayama, the Standing Deep Breathing sets we do at the beginning of class. I notice that when I have a difficult time maintaining my mental focus during these sets as well as my physical focus the class can be very inconsistent for me. I've been actually gasping for air, swaying, not maintaining locked knees/hips, my shoulders are getting really tired. I'm just all over the place during Pranayama.

I'm such a beginner, and I kind of like that. I don't feel overwhelmed by the rate of progress I've been making. It just all feels really good. Really, after 2 and half months of practice I feel like I haven't even begun to enter the postures, I'm still working on establishing a good/correct set up. So that's where I'm at on Day 10. I'll update this post later tonight and let you know how class was.

How you roll with the punches

posted by Melissa

Note the intense tai chi concentration

Amy and I went to our first tai chi class today.  Amy mentioned it in her last post, "Where Legends are Born."  We took a lovely, chatty drive out to Bothell in King county.  It's about 25 minutes or so from Capitol Hill...just enough time to catch up and process life as we know it.  As we walked into Third Place Books, I felt nervous.  I was nervous to meet new people, I was nervous to be the newbie, I was nervous to ask people if they were the tai chi crew.  I suppose we looked lost enough that they found us, or maybe Amy asked, I can't remember.

We proceeded to head downstairs, in this mall-like building that houses the book store.  Turned out someone else had dibs to use the space that the tai chi people usually use for their practice, so we "rolled with the punches" and moved to another space, a more public space.  At fist it was hard for me to engage in the slow warm up exercises, while people were walking by heading to the ballet school down the hall or upstairs to join in the a capella festivities that outed us from the enclosed private space.  Slowly, very slowly I was able to let go a bit of my inner monologue.

"I wonder what the Chinese people walking by are thinking of all of us whiteys doing tai chi?"  

"I think that lady looked at my belly, does she think I am pregnant?  Great, after all this yoga people still flipping think I look pregnant."  

"Remember to breathe.  I am thirsty.  I had too much coffee.  I want more coffee.  Remember to breathe.  Relax my shoulders.  Wonder where those people are going?  Remember to breathe.  Shit, pay attention, Melissa."

I was finally able to free myself from my own worst critic when we paired up into a listening exercise.  I so wanted to run across the room and pair myself with Amy, but

yoga update

To let the curious know - we have continued on with Bikram yoga! We are doing 5-6 days out of the week, more like 6. March 1 will mark the beginning of the Sweatbox's 30-Day Challenge (ours in January was self-imposed). From their website:

"The 30-Day Challenge is Almost Here!

It's that time again of the year again - time for the 30-Day Challenge! We begin March 1st.

Let's remember all of the reasons why we practice: we feel clearer and happier; our bodies are healthier and more efficient; we behave more kindly to our family and friends; we are better parents. The 30-Day challenge is the single best opportunity to get yourself back into a dedicated practice regimen.

Try the challenge. Do your best to do it. Put yourself first for 30 days of your life. Once you do, you'll be hooked.

Sign up people! You won't regret it."

Developing a Bikram practice has helped me gain strength and stamina--it might do the same for you!

xoxo
GoodLuckWithThat!

The Sum of All Things

Hi there,

Yesterday marked the finale of the 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge with Melissa--and some other endings and beginnings that Melissa shared over here. I can't wait to read her Readers Write submission to The Sun magazine. Congratulations Melissa, on a year well spent, and thanks again for bringing me on for the 2011 adventure. Also super thanks to all the encouragement from everyone and Jaime and Bob for the rides to and from class during those super cold and wet days.

Meditation Month


I'm on the right.

As readers who follow this blog may recall January was meditation month, and as you can easily tell it was really more about the yoga for me. Does that make it a moving meditation? I really tried, and while I intend to finish my reading materials I just couldn't sink my teeth into it the way I thought I could. Part of the challenge was balancing everything else that's going on in my life. Meditation kept looking like an escape hatch or a total disconnect from everything I was supposed to be doing. Which probably is an indicator that I need to practice it more. Or maybe not. In any case, why does something like meditation--or even yoga for that matter--seem like a luxury?

 

I can say that with the theme of this month as meditation, complemented by the yoga practice, I have experienced and increased sense of focus and intention in every day behaviors. I immediately feel more focused in a period of time and more giving of myself to the task at hand--whether that be washing dishes, folding laundry, writing a blog post, doing my day-job work. I've just been more...here.


30 Day Yoga Challenge  



What the sign says.

This past weekend took me to Portland for a birthday party so I had to find a Bikram-certified yoga studio to complete days 28 and 29. I found Bikram Portland on Alberta Street. Practicing away from home in new surroundings was at first scary but a great experience that in a way brought me back to the very beginning of my 30 days--just listening and adjusting to a new environment. I don't know that I could have had any better classes. Of course day 30 I spent most of the time lolling about on the floor in Savasana wishing I could leave much like my very first class. It's funny how when you build up a climax in your mind and then you get there and it happens to be just like any other day.  

I've been asked by a few people what I think of this practice and if I've received any noticeable benefits. So here's a quick (very quick) summary of what's happened to me:

10 body improvements from 30-day Bikram yoga challenge:

1. Slimmer waistline, calves, quads; overall improved definition in the legs and arms
2. Ability to stand and touch my toes (something I haven't done in over 15 years)
3. Ability to sit and extend my legs, lock my knees lift my heels off the ground while touching my toes
4. Deeper breathing when outside of class; improved ability to stay relaxed during stressful situations
5. Increased stamina for standing on one leg while engaging the quadriceps
6. More conscious engagement of my abs outside of class, especially when bending over
7. Greater water intake has led to increased alertness and mental agility while outside of class
8. Smoother skin
9. Overall more moderated appetite
10. Deeper sleep

Namaste January.
-Amy

Greetings from Portland!



I made it to the Bikram Portland studio on Alberta for a 7:30am class with Brandy.

Thank you Brandy for reminding me that: "If you can, you must."

Congratulations to my yoga compadre Melissa for 28 days!

As Always, Amy

 

Day 27

(A belated post due to lack of Internet service)

Today (January 28th) is day 27 of the 30 day yoga challenge. I am new to Bikram yoga, prior to this 30 day challenge I had two classes at the Sweatbox. The first class was with Gary and I spent the majority of the time believing that the lights he kept turning on and up were heat lamps. I really thought that in my mind and heart. Melissa let me know later that the heat actually came from a heat blower and not the lights. I felt like food under a heat lamp.

I wanted to leave so badly, and thought the session would never end. I had not had nearly enough water that my body required (which I've since learned is close to a gallon). I also came smeared in lotion which melted all over my limbs which was gross and funny - and if you've ever done hot yoga with lotion on you know what I'm talking about.

Then came the holidays which were just fantastically filled with elastic waistlines and my favorite billowy  Ikat-print knit shirt.

And now here we are 27 days later with so many changes. This weekend I am heading to Portland. I've already scouted out the Portland Bikram-certified studio that I will practice at. I've called in advance to ensure their classes are happening, and I've printed out my registration form. Days 28 and 29 will be spent at a different studio, which should be interesting. I will make sure to file a report. Bikram Yoga is akin to the Latin-style Mass, Pre-Vatican II--not matter where you go it's always in the same script and follows the same form.

*
PDX here I come!

As always,
Amy

good student/bad student

i went from doing every pose, keeping good form...well, as best as I can at this point in my practice and feeling strong and aligned with my new mantra..."I am a good student."  I fell asleep that night with that sentence swirling in my head, ever empty moment between what i had to do the next day and thoughts about what I might have on my new list for the blog...like the mortar between my busy thoughts was "I am a good student."  Something about that statement is so satisfying to me, so simple, so comforting.  All you have to do is follow instructions well and it is true.

i woke up the next day and my body ached.  I was exhausted.  I didn't do every pose, not even close.  and what's worse, I didn't care.  I didn't care if i was a good student.  what?  it's true, i just laid there in pure bliss to be resting in a hot room melting into the floor.  The only annoyance was the teacher's voice coaching the other students to go deeper, push harder into each pose.  it seemed so loud and intrusive.  i was certainly not following instructions...not well, not at all.

That night, I came home and i went straight to bed.  still achy.  still bitter.  but happy to feel my body on my bed.  during the night, my body released sweat like I was still on my mat in the 105 degree yoga studio.  I awoke in the middle of the night with my whole shirt drenched, my blankets wet from contact with me.  I was too tired to care.  I didn't get up and change, I just drifted off back to my damp sleep.  In the morning I felt achy again and so slow.  I thought maybe I was getting sick.  Could I make it to yoga?  I walked home from my kid's school where I spent the morning volunteering, which got my mind off of myself and gave me the glimpse of hope that I could get through the day.  I was so sad too...on the verge of tears, constantly and for no reason.  I went to yoga at noon, just because of the 30 day challenge, not because I wanted to.  I was prepared to greet myself however I showed up that day...good student or bad.  I was too tired and too sad to care.

It was one of the hottest classes I have had in a while.  When the poses came where we had to stand on the red carpet, the carpet was hot beneath the soles of my feet.  When I laid my body down into savasana to rest, my mat and towel were hot to the touch.  I did rest more than usual that day, but you know what?  so did some of my teachers that were practicing that day.  what a comfort.  we all need to rest sometimes...maybe there are no bad students.  (ok, I still have a hard time with that, cause sometimes people talk during class and that just is NOT cool.)  You just never know where people are, or where you may be mentally and physically every day you step onto your yoga mat.

I chatted with one of my teachers after class that day and he asked me how many days I had left of the challenge.  I shared my experience with feeling like I was getting sick and sweating in my sleep and he said it was because my metabolism was increasing and that I should eat a lot of food.  super!  I LOVE food.  If you have been reading for a while, you may remember my revelation about being the person that loves food the most on earth.  yeah.  I ate a ton of food last night.  I don't know if a burger and fries were what he had in mind...but they were soooo good.  I love the burgers and fries at Smith.

so, being the good student that i am, i heeded my sage teacher's advice.  I ate the whole god-damn thing.  and you know what?  I feel so much better today.  My body is still a little sore.  but I went to class this morning (day 27!!!) and it was just a regular ole class.  not good, not bad.

where do these labels we give to ourselves, to our practice, to our relationships, to our jobs...where do they get us?  Do we really need things to fit into labels; good and bad.  Will meditation help to lessen the burden of these small words.  Is it possible to raise my children in a climate that doesn't reinforce the culture of good and bad that I feel I was raised in?  what life experiences push us into longing to be the good student, or giving up and reveling in the bad student role?  How do we get to be truly just as we are.

with curiosity,
melissa

"i am a good student"

So, as I was going through yoga class yesterday (day 24!) i thought i was doing better with letting go of the mental chatter.  i wasn't dwelling on the poses i would not do during the rest of class, in fact, when those thoughts would come up...i really could easily say to myself, "be right here, breathe.  Right here."  and it would work.  and let me tell you class has been amazing since i had that little realization while blogging the other night...i have done every posture every day since then.  and it hasn't been a struggle.  amazing.  ok, so back to class last night.  i was feeling all accomplished about being right there, and breathing and not planning...and then it hit me, there was another layer of mental chatter.  Once i peeled away the complaining and planning mind, another voice emerged.  This one was more steady, more focused, more seductive in it's efforts to persuade me it was OK to give into it.  To listen unendingly, and distract me from the "moment."  This voice repeated one simple sentence.  Probably one I have been repeating since I was 4 years old in Montessori.

"I am a good student."

After class I shared this with Amy, and was also seduced by the hours of analysis this one sentence could bring me.  It is a processing goldmine.  (Processing is a term we use to describe the hours spent in the morning at work discussing all of the emotional and mental baggage we have picked up since we last worked together.)  I got about 2 minutes into the processing and decided to let it be.  Maybe it is a bad thing, maybe I am a teacher pleaser.  Or maybe it is a good thing, maybe I simply like to be good at what i do.  why would being a good student be bad?  why do I assume all of my voices are bad and I have to get "rid" of them.  (and on a side note...really?  I am sharing with god-knows-who that I have "voices"?  But we all do.  right?)

Pema Chodron

Then I come back to Pema Chodron, my sweet reading salvation.
In a chapter on Loving Kindness, she says "Loving kindness - maitri- toward ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything.  maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years.  We can still be angry after all these years.  We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness.  The point is not to try and change ourselves.  Meditation isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better.  It is about befriending who we are already.
One of the main discoveries of meditation is seeing how we continually run away from the present moment, how we avoid being here just as we are."

Perhaps my reminder of what a good student I am is a way I am trying to run away from being uncomfortable in class, a way I am trying to make myself feel better.  and that's OK, just make friends with my mind, and let that thought go.  give it no more weight than i do the thought, "I have to go to the bathroom."  imagine it is a bubble and be gentle with it, lightly let it blow away with my out-breath.

xoxomelissa

(PS...to update on the meditation front, i have been doing about 5 minutes a day.  My goal is to up that for the last week of the month.  so, starting today...at least 10 minutes a day.  and that is aside from the 90 minute "moving meditation" of Bikram yoga.


one more update.  the one month I feel like I totally flaked on was writing month, and so I am going to finish up a goal I set during that month, which was to write a submission for the "Readers Write" section of the Sun magazine.  This week I will send in my piece on, get this, paying attention.  Perfect for meditation/yoga month!)

Daily Matins

Dear blog, this month has moved quickly. Days have been full. The moon was full. And yes I fell behind in posting. I promise not to again! To bring you up to speed on my past 11 days of yoga here's a list of high-points, low-points, and points that fell in between:

1. One class, after the heater was fixed, Laura said she didn't want to hear any complaints that the room was too warm because it had been cold all day. It was very hot; skin-hot; sunburn-hot. No one complained.
2. One class sounded like a happy hour before the teacher walked in. Some guy was eating gumdrops from a sandwich baggy and people were laughing and talking in full voice.
3. One class was packed with students. I was delirious at the end and forgot that a girl was six inches from my feet. I grabbed my mat and whipped it back really hard (to pick it up) thereby whipping a student in the face.
4. One class I excused myself to the bathroom during the floor routine (it was very hard to cool down and then warm up again).
5. One class I worked harder then I ever thought I could.The next class seemed easier. (Did the day before pay off?)
6. One class I started to remember the sequence of the poses.
7. One class a girl moved her towel perpendicular to her mat for triangle pose and the teacher said: "no, no, no we're going to build your leg strength."
8. One class Gary showed me how to grasp my toes correct during the sit-up.
9. One class I fell out of standing bow pose about every two seconds and started laughing to myself.
10. One class I had an Eeyore mentality and gave up on myself.
11. One class I had a great attitude but spent most the time in savasana because my intestines hurt too bad. (That was last class).

Not once during the past 11 days have I thought about not going. In fact, the exact opposite has happened. The daily intentional practice has given something to my life that is hard to put into words at this point. I can just say I'm so thankful to Melissa and Jaime for introducing me to Bikram Yoga through their dedicated practice. Each day has brought a new set of circumstances to discover - just as each day brings us no matter what.

So, today is day 22, and if I could bring anything with me during the next 9 days of class it would be nothing. Or, more aptly put: a willingness to completely let go of all the precious little things I've collected over the past 21 days.

Always,
Amy

Savasana Forever!

The other day in yoga class, our teacher Gary said, "Savasana forever." ironically,  it was during one of the shorter 20 second savasanas between the postures in the floor series.  at the time, i remember thinking...."yes, please, right now....give us a savasana forever.    please.  now."  Which is odd...usually i am more dying for a taste of corpse pose during the standing series, the first part of class.  

So, really what this brings up for me is the sometimes subtle, but mostly glaring mind games i play during yoga class.  and to be honest, all day long before class...and after.  I think around day 8, when i was feeling strong and capable, I was powering through class with gusto and confidence.  Everything about class energized me and each pose I did gave me more energy to go into the next pose.  But mostly when I do in class and before class is have this mental chatter with myself, my silent schizophrenic nature truly comes out during yoga.  Some days I spend the hours before class reassuring my apprehensions about my physical abilities by reiterating in my head how I can just lay in...yes, savasana forever, or at least during the whole class if I wanted.  (So far, I have never done this...but I do feel soothed by the option. Which reminds me of the quote I posted from Pema Chodron the other day)  Then when I get to class, I fidget on my towel and mat until the teacher comes in, too afraid to actually lie in savasana before class, lest I fall asleep and snore and sleep through pranayama breathing.  Then when class starts, I fidget more than ever, trying to get my flipping feet straight on my towel.  i never achieve this simple status, straight feet, all through class.  Once we hit the 6th pose, Balancing Stick, Tuladandasana, my mind chatter softens and I am using every ounce of my energy to simply be in the poses and breathe slowly, in and out through my nose.  And then...that sweet, yet taunting, savasana.  I love it.  But along with it comes that mind chatter again, loud and clear.  I remind myself of what poses I can sit out of in the rest of the series.  And so it continues through the remainder of class.  Even on the days when I do every posture, I still toy with the idea of when and where I will take it easy...busily planning the last 30 minutes of class.

Needless to say, this is not the ideal way to be through a Bikram Yoga class.  And neither is it advised to push yourself to do all the poses because you spot some really skinny mom from your kid's school right behind you and you think you have something to prove.  yea, I know your youngest kid is under one and you are in better shape than most teenagers, but this chunky mama is totally kicking your ass at yoga. so there!  um, yea...NOT ADVISED.

what I am advising myself to do today at class, day 20, is to work more on making this truly a moving meditation and less of a mental mind fuck.  Cause really...that is not getting me anywhere.  and maybe therein lies the question...where i am so busy trying to get to anyway?  Today I will use as much effort during savasana as I do during triangle pose...using my tools from meditating with Pema...reminding myself that I am thinking and bringing myself back to my breath.  Keeping it simple.  If I can master my mind in 105 degrees, slippery with sweat, my muscles trembling...then imagine what I can bring to my life off the yoga mat.

xoxomelissa

The 2 breathing exercises and 26 postures of Bikram Yoga.

feeling good?

yoga.

Just got back from day 13 of the 30 day challenge.  and i know i am passing judgement here, and setting my expectation on having a "good" experience, but man, today's class was great!  the past two days have been hellish.  i don't know if it was me, or the heat, or my lack of hydration...but something un-nameable was getting the best of me and i was totally struggling through class once again.  in fact, when i showed up today, i was quite nervous...i almost layed down during pranayama breathing, the very first thing we do in class.  my mind was darting everywhere, my feet were fidgeting in the crooked way i hold them together, and my eyes couldn't even see the straight line down the ceiling as i exhaled and looked back...because my mind had taken me far, far away into my fears.  i wasn't in the room.
and yet my body was doing the breathing, my lungs were filling and emptying, and somehow that called my mind back from another land, back into the room, back onto my mat.  half moon pose.  Ardha Chandrasana.  always breathing, slowly, in and out through the nose.  Pada-hastasana.  i went further into this pose than ever before.  and on i went, through every pose...with determination and strength.  sure it was still a challenge to do the poses, but i could breathe and do them, to the best of my ability.

so, day 13 was a good class.  and i especially loved when Meghan, our teacher this morning, shared how being in this heat and in an uncomfortable pose, using your mind strength to bear through it, to breathe through it...no matter how uncomfortable it is...this is one of the gifts we take out into the world.  we take this ability into our everyday lives and we can go through the inevitable uncomfortable situations that life brings, we can stay there and breathe and not run away.  and she shared how this leads to a more joyful life, in her experience.  totally.  and wouldn't you know, as soon as we got home (Jamie went with me today) we had a chance to work through an uncomfortable situation. it was over the fact that we disagreed on who got to use the car.  a simple spat, but one that had the potential to escalate...jamie invited me to stay with it and not run away.  and after a moment of thought, i stayed with it, and we worked it out.  now that is mind strength, cause i totally wanted to run.  avoid.  i actually had already opened the door to just walk away and go to Amy's upstairs.  but i didn't.  thank you, yoga.

meditation.

Yesterday I listened to disc 2 of the Pema Chodron CD How to Meditate, a Practical Guide to Making Friends with Your Mind.  i was totally distracted, not to mention exhausted from the torturous yoga right before.  i felt guilty for not cleaning the house, for taking time for myself to go to yoga and then to sit a meditate for an hour.  i heard my phone buzz and it took every ounce of energy i had, not much, to not run and check it.  i was sure it was a dire situation that needed my immediate attention.  yet, i sat.  i have to say, i enjoy reading Pema more than listening and meditating with her.  probably because i can avoid my mind when i read...i get it all filled up with these great ideas and concepts that i don't have to sit and practice.  i get to keep reading, and feeling really great.  my mind is like, oh, yeah...totally Pema, i hear ya.  wow, you're awesome.  i get to not be in my mind.  so, today, even though i do have a ton of shit to do.  it's cooking by the way, one of my favorite things to do, so don't feel bad for me :)  i will take at least 15 minutes and sit.  no matter if i hear "mama mama mama mama MAMA MAMA!" or if i hear the phone buzz.  i can do it.

and I'll leave you with this from Pema's book, The Wisdom of No Escape.  (cause like i said, it feels so good to read, and I challenge you to take this concept into your life just once today.)

"There are two common forms of human neurosis.  One is getting caught up in worry and fear and hope, in wanting and not wanting, and things.  We continually try to get away from the pain by seeking pleasure (samsara), and in doing so, we just keep going around and around.  I'm hot so I open all the windows, and then I'm cold so I out on a sweater.  Then the sweater is itchy so I put some cream on my arms, and then that's sticky so I take a bath.  Then I am cold, so I close the windows, and on and on.

The other neurosis - which is just as common- is to get caught by peace and quiet, or liberation, or freedom.  This is what we all doing a subtle way.  If we have an experience of clarity or bliss, we want to keep it going.  That's what a lot of addiction is about, wanting to feel good forever, but it usually ends up not working out.  Sometimes that's expressed by arranging your life in such a way that it's very quiet, very smooth, very simplified; you become so attached to it that you just want to keep it like that.  You resist and resent any kind of change or noisy situation, messing everything up."

Sounds kinda like my desire for a "good" yoga class.
it is what it is.  keep breathing.
Just as I am.


peace, 
melissa

Day 10, So What.

Yesterday marked day 10 of my 30-day Bikram yoga challenge. The room swelled with heat. It felt hot like it had never been hotter before, and I knew this practice would push me deeper into each pose. I felt vital—uncompromised. I scored a position in the back, a new perspective from my usual spot (second row East side of the room). Compassion filled my my heart and pumped through my blood. When class began I filled my lungs past 6 seconds. Their capacity was the largest in Seattle. I inhaled every bit of oxygen in the room. My mind expanded into its own universe. Everything melted away, my elbows extended to the sky. The ceiling disappeared. They stretched so high into the atmosphere they weren’t elbows anymore. They were Everests. I exhaled and hung my head all the way back until I could see my own dry heels—mere foothills of my true height. I deeply exhaled exaggerating my mouth and pushing in my stomach to release the stale air burrowed in my chest. I was me. I wasn’t me. The neutral expression on my face slowly revealed the upturned corners of my mouth into a faint smile of joy!

At least that’s how I imagined it until some yogini-girl readjusted her mat, completely blocking my view.

staying on track....

Amazingly enough, I have been keeping on track this month so far.  and i mostly say that in reference to the meditation.  the yoga, as challenging as it can be, i have done before.  well, not 30 days in a row, but close.  the meditation on the other hand, i couldn't even do five minutes a day for a week when a friend of mine suggested we make a pact to do so.  But this week, i have made time to listen to my Pema CD, How to Meditate.

it is lovely to hear her voice and imagine i am in this meditation class with her.  her voice is more real, more human, less Buddhist nun than i imagined.  not that Buddhist nuns aren't human, i just imagine them as so far away from all the hustle and bustle that their voice softens to angelic proportions.  she sounded like the lady next door that maybe more from Boston thirty years ago.  So, i have done that a couple nights and i have meditated when i wake in the morning a couple times.  I stay extra long in savasana after class enjoying the quiet of my mind, my body melting into the floor.  i do find at home i am very distracted when i meditate.  i hear the kids, or i anticipate them barging in...or they actually to and just stand there repeating..."mama, mama....mama, mama...what are you doing?  mama, mama?"  i guess i am cultivating a strong mind....calm in the midst of family chaos.  but then, that is what i need, ultimately.  

and the 30 challenge.  today is day 5.  I plan on going to the AM class since i work in the evening.  Last night's class was super hot in the beginning, but it didn't bother me as much as a really hot class has in the past.  i think going everyday builds stamina, endurance, strength.  well, duh? right.  but man, it did seem to bother others, at least that was my story of what was going on.  one guy actually rolled up his mat and left. Never saw that before.  more people than ever went to the bathroom during class.  one woman even asked the teacher why it was so much hotter than usual, was that just her style?!  i couldn't believe it.  

sleep has been coming very, very early for me every night this week.  and i have been going with that, loving it.  and along with that have come many dreams.  a lot of them are about not making it to yoga, and missing a day.  i went to the 6:15am class the other day and i kept waking up, checking the time, because in my dream, i missed the class and it was the last one of the day and i was devastated that on day 3 my dedication was thwarted.  i just really want to follow through.  and on a side note, i also had a dream about my teeth falling out, this dream has not visited me in quite some time, but it used to often.  and it always feels awful, scary and very real.  and it followed suit this time, as my teeth fell out, one by one, i became increasingly upset.  until i realized, i had new teeth growing in underneath the lost ones.  this had never happened before, and i upon waking i took it as a good omen.  any dream interpreters out there have a clue?  then again, i trust my intuition...good omen indeed.

so, this morning, i blogged instead of meditating.  but after the kids go to school, and after yoga, and before work...I will listen to more of my class with Pema, and drift into my mind.  right on track.  (where does that saying even come from? )

xoxomelissa