Tuesday, March 22, 2011

maybe you are exactly where you need to be

posted by Melissa

Are the birds always chirping early in the morning?  Or is it truly only after we set our clocks ahead and lose an hour of sleep...as if their sweet delicate sounds are our consolation for that one less hour of sleep.  Works for me.  I can hear them now as I type, the rest of the house still asleep...coffee by my keyboard, laundry started, birthday cake ordered (yes, I am not making Lily's birthday cake this year, so, now you know I don't milk my own goats and I am not making my 11 year old's birthday cake.  But I usually do.  Let go, Melissa)...the sun is sorta peeking through the trees and I have time to blog.
Not my backyard, but a photo I took at Seward Park.  Sun and trees
The math test is done.  I scored very well on the Pre-Algebra, and so-so on the Algebra.  Someone I talked to said I placed as high as I could, but I am left to wonder if that is true after looking at the nursing program's prerequisites.  I have a couple meetings today at the school to see what is what.  I can tell you, I am feeling hopeful.  Cautiously optimistic.

A couple Saturdays ago we were watching that advanced tai chi class up on 15th Ave.  As the students began to show up and begin their intimate "pushing hands" warm up, I got this sense that I knew them.  Everyone looked familiar.  It happened again this past Saturday at the tai chi open practice I went to.  Does that ever happen to you?  It's like a deja vu, but different.

I used to think that it meant I had a "soul contract" (something I learned about in my astrology classes) with these people.  And while a soul contract can be a positive thing, meaning we choose before we came here to the Earth to work things out, fall in love, or be a mother to certain other souls.  Only I interpreted it as a message that we were all going to die together.

I used to think about death a lot, and yet it scared me.  I spent years of my life, in a panic that I was about to die at any moment.  So,
that is how I interpreted the signs I saw in the world around me...death signs, all of them.  I still have a little of that, and it surfaces for a moment when I am around people that looks so familiar, like at tai chi.

Then I think of the people where the tsunami hit in Japan.  Is there a moment before it happens where you have a feeling, a sense that the people you are looking at are bonded to you by death?  Is it like an older friend once told me, that when you die all together in a group by drowning, that there is a euphoria that sweeps through?  Odd, but that's what she said she heard...she shared it while we were talking about the movie, Titanic.

My heart goes out to people that were faced with death in Japan, to their families and loved ones left behind.  No matter what your faith or belief that grounds you in life, there is such loss and grief that has to pass through...and we have to allow it or it gets bottled up and then what?

I just read on Facebook yesterday that a guy I used to hang out with in West Virginia, where I went to college, died.  He was 34.  The article didn't say how he died, just that it happened suddenly.  My mind wanted to know how.  My heart filled with ache for his parents.  I remembered his joy he had that was literally overflowing at times, like he could explode with love.  And I remember he also was troubled by life as well, falling into depression...wishing life could always be as joyful as those moments he experiences.  Wishing humanity could be generous, loving, kind, open and peaceful.

Every day, every moment, we have a choice on how to live.  I think mostly what I am learning, and especially through yoga, is not to judge yourself for how you show up.  Some days are filled with birds singing and exploding joy...and others are filled with tsunamis, whether real or perceived emotional tidal waves.  Sometimes you see stranger's faces that make you feel at home and you think today is your last day here on Earth, and other times...well, maybe it is just a reminder to let go and be where you are at.

And maybe you are exactly where you need to be...



Anonymous said...

So I am sure this is not the most important part to this post but I just gotta say I love being up in my house before everyone. I like that time! Oh..and you would be a rockin nurse!

Anonymous said...

Hi Melissa, your blog brought me to tears for so many reasons, for you and all you've been through in life, for how beautifully you wrote it all, for the people of Japan, your sensitivity, your optimism for your future. I too lost a friend on 2/7, he was my age and was such a wonderful man, I spend a lot of time thinking about him, much the same as you mention about your loss, you actually helped me sort out a few of my wondering thoughts. Thank you. The guts to put this all online and share it so we your readers can also grow by what you have to give us all in each blog. My arms are around you. Love you. MOM

Melissa said...

Dina..i know, I think I am setting my alarm for tomorrow morning. Going to get done what I could do tonight in the morning, that sweet fresh morning. and I'll do my best to be the smartest, rockin-est nurse ever!
and Mom...thanks for your encouraging words, as always. Sorry about your friend...that can be hard to wrap your brain and heart around. I guess putting it all out there comes naturally to me, ask anyone who knows me :) and thanks for the hug. xoxo