What? Where? How?

posted by Melissa Baumgart

Maybe I should stick with a swing.

What have I got myself into?
November is here.  Already.  When I settled on the idea of doing trapeze for one of our months, Amy and I had just finished our first 30 Day Challenge of Bikram yoga.  I was feeling strong, capable and perhaps a bit daring.  It seems it is easier to feel daring when something is far into the future.


Flash forward 10 months, and here I sit, staring at the flying trapeze right in my face.  Like I mentioned before, I am a number of pounds heavier a lot less daring, and certainly not nearly as strong physically.  I did start back to yoga last week and went 6 out of 7 days.  I plan on doing that again this week.  I think it will help, but I still feel very hesitant about trapeze.  So much so that I couldn't even bring myself to do our signature photo shoot this month.  What would I wear?  Where would we shoot?  I was uninspired.  


How am I going to be able to lift myself with my own arm strength up an aerial silk?  Also add in my fear of heights, and how in the world will I be able to jump off that flying trapeze platform.  Shit.  What have I got myself into?  Oh, and by the way, our first class is this Saturday!


Where am I going?
Then there is the rest of my life.  Ever since I got kicked out of school, I have felt a bit stuck.  I rushed into the decision to go to school, because that is the way it was presented to me.  I had about 2 minutes to decide whether I was going to school or not.  I jumped in, and gave it everything.  But now that there is this lull, this pause for some reflection, I feel lost.  


Do I really want to be a nurse?  Was I in it for the money?  Would I rather open a little cafe since I love to cook?  Would I rather dedicate myself more to the blog and see how this could grow?  Would I rather join the OWS political movement and give my time and effort there?  Or should I help Jamie get his business growing by helping with office/paperwork/advertising?


And why isn't it clear?  Does anyone out there know for certain that they are fulfilling their life's destiny?  I just want to feel satisfied with my work, like I am helping humanity in some way, make enough money to have a simple and easy life, and have enough me time for things like yoga.  


How will it look?
When I am standing up there on the flying trapeze platform, scared shitless to jump, will I feel so alive that everything becomes clear?  I can only hope so, because otherwise, I don't know if I'll be able to convince myself to get up there.


-Melissa