Friday, February 26, 2010
well, the truth is...
i have not practiced...like meaning more than showing someone the dance here and there...in days. i have not taken the time to move the coffee table and cue up the video, make sure the door is locked (i would be so embarrassed if my teenage neighbor were to secretly crack the door open and spy on me)...and really practice. and i am dealing with going back and forth in my head about it. one moment i feel guilty because i said i was going to really do this thing, be dedicated. i had this image of who i would be during this whole experiment...and sadly, i am not living up to that image. i should admit that, in life, i rarely live up to the image of myself that i create in my mind. sometimes it feels like every day is one big disappointment. that i am a disappointment. ok...that is the very negative me.
the other side says, i am ok just as i am. and life get busy, kids get coughs or wake up crying in the night cause they peed in their bed, life just gets busy...so ease up and today is a new day, and i will practice today. because the thing is, i really do like it. the perfectionist in me, wants to quit sometimes....she pops up right about the third time running through. then i push through, quiet that perfect little demon, and dance. because this is about having fun, not being perfect. not even being good...if i can actually let go fo that desire to be good at something. and just let loose and have a good time.
but you know...another thought is...do you maybe need the strucuture of really knowing the dance or anything in life, for that matter, before you can let loose and have fun? is it within the deep foundation of truly knowing something, or feeling safe, or being grounded...that you can freely leap, with open arms into the good times? when do you know when you know enough to let go?
anyway...today i will work on having fun. ha! i will have my list of chores. i will practice. i will have fun.
check. check. and check.
oh and btw....i saw one of our teachers the other day. waxy moon came into rainbow remedies, where i work!
cheers!
melissa
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3 comments:
I say be the person you want to be. Sometimes it means dancing, other times it means taking care of kids and other times it means taking care of yourself and giving yourself credit for doing the best you can.
Melissa-
I found your ramblings about the possiblity that it takes knowing to be comfortable enough to let go, be free and let it fly....well, it was really insightful, and I thank you for it. I can totally see that point - and I liken it to my kids (or kids in general from what I have seen) in that they seem to thrive with a certain degree of structure - that sense of knowing in the familiar perhaps. it gives them security, confidence and a different kind of motivation to explore and achieve. Too much freedom, too much choice, too much "whatever goes" can be just as paralyzing as no freedom or choice at all. I would venture to guess that as we get older most people tend to remain that way to a certain degree. There's a good book out now called Drive - What Motivates People that talks about how when given incentive to perform, creativity and motivation actually DECREASE. People are by nature motivated to progress......and (if you don't mind that I have gone waaaaaay out to left field to get to this point) I think that perhaps you (and me too) almost see achieving perfection in something as our incentive - but instead of making us more motivated, it saps our inherent ability to make forward progress. I, too, cannot be just free-flowing in something I am not familiar or to a certain degree knowledgable or skilled in, and I tend to avoid those things if I can. I used to be that way with yoga (which I must admit I fell into backasswardly and by chance) - until I discovered that there is no perfection in it - but to satisfy the Type A in me I still seek and sometimes get a glimpse of that brief moment of pure concentration, that mere 3 seconds where I hold a pose correctly not because I can show my teacher that I can but simply because it feels natural. Maybe in this dance process there is only one 3-step sequence that you can nail and feel great about. The rest of it may feel like dancing in cement shoes, but that brief glimpse of your own perfection may satisfy that little Type A in you, too. And then it can free-flow from there.
Sorry for the bibbling - my mind is still racing in processing your blog, and again, I thank you for sharing it. Dance on, lady, and enjoy!
thanks for commenting, ladies. i agree, becky...i can take care of myself more. and thanks so much for all your thoughts Tammi. it means a lot to me that you shared yourself, your inner thoughts. there's always so much to think about. and i agree, just being happy for those moments where it all makes sense, even if it is literally just a moment,,,is so special.
xoxoxmelissa
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