Darting fears in Summer

posted by Melissa

Pete and Jamie playing at the cookout (notice dirty feet)

The other morning, on the 4th of July,  I was studying for my Anatomy & Physiology class up at Victrola Coffee.  Amy texted me to see if I was around the building to talk to, and I immediately thought, "Ok, if this cookout coordinator thing is getting to be too much for her, I can totally take some of it on.  We'll be Co-Co-ordinators."

I texted her back to walk up to Victrola and have a chat there.  When she showed up, very chipper, and announced that she wanted to share some of her poems that she memorized out loud; I was both relieved (that Amy was happy and looking forward to the festivities of the day) and very nervous.

I realized that my public speaking fears stretched father than I had thought.  I was even having that stomach tumbling and heart rising to my tight throat feeling when I thought of Amy sitting across the table reciting aloud to me, no book between us, just her words and my ears.  And two sets of eyes, possibly darting here and there, or maybe more comfortably staring off into space.

I handled it OK.  She gave me her book of the "Declaration of Independence" that she was reciting, so there was that to look at and buffer my insecurities.  Amy did great, besides a few small word changes, she totally nailed two whole paragraphs, at least.  That experience also brought up the unending conversation of the day (and into the night) of my intense fears of hiking/backpacking.  The thing I picked for August.  What was I thinking!?! (more on that another time.)

Later on that same sunny day, we were all hanging out on the front steps of the Boathouse (our apartment building), having a PBR and enjoying some poetry.  I decided we had to go on a poetry run to our local bookstore, Elliot Bay Books.  Me, Amy, Tallulah and our neighbor (and young poet) Pete all walked down through the park.  Pete was walking barefoot through the city and Tallulah couldn't seem to let that go:

"Pete isn't wearing shoes." repeated Tallulah.

"I know, he's an adult.  He makes his own choices." I responded to her with each announcement.

"Pete doesn't have shoes on.  He should be wearing shoes." Tallulah said, now looking to Amy.

"Yes, he could get cut, Tallulah, but his Mom can't tell him what to do anymore." Amy replied.

Pete's feet never got cut and Tallulah got more involved in whining about not wanting to walk.  But the good news was that the bookstore had one copy left of Laura Kasischke's (pronounced Ka-ZISS-kee) newest poetry book.  Whew.  It is called Space, In Chains.  So our holiday poetry run was a success and I love her work, all of it.  This is one of my favorite's today.

Summer
by Laura Kasischke

She drank too much
She was after
Some meadow
Some orchard

Some childhood night with the window open, and it was summer, and her
own mother was humming in another room, and through the screen the
fuzzy blue, and suddenly she was out there swimming, too, in softness, a
permanent candle, invisible, beautiful.

She drank too much
For many years
Some stairs
Some cosmetics
Once

I stood in the threshold and watched her disintegrate before a mirror.

My lovely mother before a tray full of bracelets
(Repeat: My lovely mother before a tray full of bracelets)

She invited me in to fish the ice cubes from her drink.  They were warm. On
my tongue.  Such calm.  Like a small bomb detonated in an isolated barn.  Like
a beloved pet in the middle of a busy street, just standing there, looking
around.


Hope you enjoyed it...
Melissa

how do you slow down?

posted by Melissa


Take a deep breath.

That what I needed to do several, no hundreds of times, in the past few days.  And after all that getting worked up, it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it would be in my head.  Looking back to when I sat here writing my last post, I feel like I was a little Tasmanian devil whirling around typing furiously.  I can't believe how much we can stress about things that haven't even happened yet.  It's no wonder I was having a bad yoga class that day.

Tallulah June, fashion show 3/25/11

Lily's party was so fun....we did hair and makeup and had a music filled fashion show with the runway right down the middle of our dining room.  Lily loved it all...and so did I.  I would post a picture of her, except her idea of high fashion involved some hot pants that I just do not want seen in a picture of her out on the Internet.  Seriously.  I can't believe how grown up 11 years old is.  Here is one of Tallulah though, way more appropriate.  Very 5 years old.

Tai chi.  I know this month is about tai chi, not birthday parties or yoga.  Even though that is what has been consuming me this week.  I really wish I could have gone to that class on Thursday, that is what I need to learn tai chi.  A teacher, a class, and clear step by step instruction.  Repeat.  Repeat again.  And again.  Then it begins to sink in.

Currently, tai chi looks like this for me: I get out my tai chi books and try to follow along as I have the book sitting on the table in front of me.  I get to the third step, just after the part where you step your feet apart and raise your arms up and down...and that is about it.  I am able to do the "slow walking" that Saul taught us, as painfully slow as that is.  It is amazing how much my thighs hurt and how wobbly my balance gets just shifting weight from one foot to another, and moving forward very slowly.  
And this is before I have a glass of wine, or have shotgunned a PBR!

Even if slow walking is all I learned from tai chi month, it can still be meaningful.  If, and I stress that word if...If I use it in my life.  I think that taking a deep breath could have helped me through this week when I reached my frazzled, whiny states.  Slow walking would have also helped.  Just realizing I have 5 minutes to be slow would have sent a message to my charged endocrine system to also slow down.  That everything is ok, and we don't need to be in flight or fright mode 24/7.

So, for the next 5 days, that is my commitment for the blog.  I will spend at least 5 minutes slow walking.  Anyone else up for the challenge?  It's just 5 days.  I can see it now, people across the US and Switzerland (I know where my audience is) slow walking in their homes, in the park, to the grocery store.  It will be a phenomenon, the new "it" thing to do.   This is a link to a walking meditation instruction, which is the closest thing I have found to what we learned that day in class.  Check it out and give it a try.

So much in life tells us to be faster, keep moving, onto the next thing.  I feel like it could be so useful to have more stimuli to the brain and body letting it know it is ok to slow down.  That is why savasana is so hard sometimes, it can be easier to sweat and work your muscles til they burn, than to lie still and rest.  At least when we are moving we are "doing" something...and that's the American way.

What ways do you slow down?  OR do you feel like going, going, going is it for you...that it works?  If so, why does it work?  Leave me a comment, let me know your thoughts on being slow....

peace,
Melissa