Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I leave tomorrow for the big NYC and super excited. My wonderful friend Mel is getting married and this is her girls weekend. I am excited for the fun and weekend away in a place I have not been in forever! This is the most organized weekend away...you should totally see the schedule that they put together..amazing! Oh I love a schedule :)! So..that means my yoga month is going to end today. I thought about doing some in NY but Mel's response....I am not doing slow punishment for 90 minutes so I am going to take that as a no. Fine with me...we will go to her gym or walk around the city since it should be nice out. Yoga month has been filled with ups and downs for me and to be honest I am ready to get back to my regular routine and add this in from time to time. I have learned so much about myself and often don't really appreciate things about myself but this I do...I am ok with the fact that maybe this is not for me and I am totally not going to force it. Melissa is right about living in the present. The only issue is my present right now is nuts and I really am struggling to keep it together. My work and this move may push me right over the edge. The only way I am doing this is to picture my future of being in Geneva..I know it will be crazy also but the picture in my head is calmer :). Some would say do yoga it will calm you..ahh no thanks I will work out and drink coffee..sounds more fun to me :)! I guess it is NYC or bust! See you all when I return. We will plant something! xxoo-Dina
at 6:46 AM
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
somehow i feel like i have been doing this all my life. today i was thinking that i was tired, that i just wanted to go to the studio and lay down in the heat and rest. and then i got there. it's like if i just get myself there, then i am good. I'll do the class, and i'll give it everything i have to give during that 90 minutes. and something in that process of feeling tired and thinking i can't do it; then finding the strength to dig in deep and give it my all...something there has been with me for so long, in my memory...even though i have only been doing bikram for a little over three weeks.
i just found out that there was a bikram studio two blocks from my house when i lived in Baltimore. why didn't i find it then?
will i still love it 3 months from now? 6 months? 1 year?
this is really helping me be in the present. every time i drift away into the "why?" of the past or the "will i?" of the future...i come right back to today. this happens in class too. i drift off into critical thoughts about my body, or start thinking about the postures that are about to come and how maybe i can't do them like i want to...and then i come back to exactly where i am. in that pose or in the resting posture. and that's when you are able to really feel how strong you are, and feel what it is like to go beyond what you ever thought was possible for yourself. i love it!
maybe it is that feeling of being totally present that connects you to your life so deeply...and that gives you the sense that you have known something all along. i have felt that before...looking into jamie's eyes, and holding my babies. being completely present, no where else to be, nothing else to do.
what a gift to be finding that in the everyday.
at 7:46 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
but i had a really strong class this morning, overall.
well, we are deciding what to do on this sunny sunny seattle day...and i just wanted to give a quick follow up on my challenge. enjoy your day!
at 12:53 PM
Saturday, April 24, 2010
(sang to the beatles...8 days a week.)
that has been my practice of bikram yoga the past three weeks. i have been able to go 6 days a week. i can't believe it. i had every excuse in the book about time and money and everything else when it came to going to the gym or any other kind of taking care of myself. and now somehow...with no time and no money and 3 kids and a job...i have gone 6 days a week for three weeks! wow. just goes to show if you love something and you put your mind to it, anything is possible.
this has seeped into every area of my life. like...jamie and i were having an argument and i was starting to be my usual self...because being someone new, someone who bends and sees the other side and actually considers where the other is coming from...well, that is really uncomfortable. but to quote my friend jen, what i bring from yoga into that life experience is this inner dialouge..."if i can be in a difficult pose with sweat pouring down my body in 105 degree heat, and being totally uncomfortable...then i can be in this conversation in a new way, even if it is uncomfortable." and it works. it works in so many ways.
in class lately, i find myself not wanting to do certain poses. it started with my sore knee, right. there were some poses that i didn't do so i gave my left knee a rest, time to heal. but then, once i let myself have access to the floor, to savasana, or dead body pose...where you are laying on your back, breathing and focusing on one spot...regaining your energy, letting your body reap the benefits of whatever pose you just accomplished. once i let myself go there, it opened the gate to sitting out of other postures. but not totally, it is all this inner talk. i think..."i am so not going to do a second set of camel (ustrasana), forget it, it gave a lot during the first set and i am going to rest." but then after the savasana between poses, when the teacher says it is time to do the sit up to move into the second set....i always get up and do it. the other pose that i actually, ok...it isn't all in my head...i do sit out of triangle pose occasionally. i just have the hardest time with that pose. my inner thighs don't want to stretch that far, my legs can barely keep the bend on the knee constant, let alone moving my arms and looking at the ceiling! forget about it. so, ok, then, now that i put it out there, i am going to do both sets tomorrow. done and done. just you wait and see. actually, why don't you join me so you really can see? :) i know you want to! the funny part about that is...when doing bikram yoga, you can't really check anyone else out and watch them. it takes all your focus to be in class, and you need that centered determined still focus to really get the most out of your poses. just today i blew my nose during class and the next pose, tree pose, was much less balanced. because my i lost my focus, and it took a minute to get back into that place.
here are some words on savasana from Bikram's book...this is for you, dina :) just cause you were wondering, what the hell are we always resting for!
"How hard is (savasana); how complicated can that be? Very and very, because now you are dealing with the untrained mind. The mind is rebellious and disobedient. tell it to do something, and watch it throw a tantrum. When i call for savasana during my classes, I can see the mind of my students begin to mutiny after just 5 or 10 seconds. Toes wiggle, fingers tap, fists and jaws clench, eyes quint, muscles tense, teeth grind and breathing stops. How's that for relaxation? The mind has an agenda of its own, and is terrified of releasing control. Submitting to peaceful relaxation will take power away from the ego and its manipulative tools, fear and desire. when you are able to make your mind your best friend, you have the power, and you achieve a gradual healing and integration of both body and mind."
the whole class is a moving meditation. that is where the intense focus i mentioned earlier comes in to play. in part three of Bikram's book there is a whole chapter on mastering the mind. it goes more in depth about what is happening during the yoga in regards to what i mentioned before in the quote about savasana. alli can say, is that after three week, i have openings everywhere....where before i only saw doors closing. where before i was always a failure, even just after rising out of bed...i am now a courageous and strong woman, awaiting my success everyday.
at 3:42 PM
Friday, April 23, 2010
So I was chatting with Melissa today on the phone and by text (oh I am going to miss that) and was talking talking talking about what I am learning about myself during all this and she said "blog about it" so I will. I have no idea if I will really find a passion or not but what I do know is that I have already learned so much about myself and why I like things and why well things are not my favorite...it is amazing to me how much personality comes into play and sometimes really hard to change. My sister Sam says I have already found my passion in going to the gym..oh I do love that but really should that be a passion...I just want that to be something I just do because it is good for me. I guess I could make body building a passion..ugh should have put that on the list. Yoga, yoga, yoga...sometimes I love you and well sometimes not so much. For sure I will incorporate it into my regular workout routine but do it everyday I don't think that will happen. What is most interesting to me is why not! I have really been thinking about why I am not that into it and why I originally thought it was so great. So I will be honest the first week I went 6 or 7 days in a row..wow right..ahhh no it is because I can not do anything in moderation. If I go one day I have to go everyday...and I was happy cause I lost like 5 pounds that week but just not sustainable for me and I am ok with that. So after my trip I tried to go back to it and yuck not so fun. I just can not get into feeling the body, working with the body, listening to the body. Questions I have ....why are we always resting in that class..I swear if you cut out the resting we could be in and out of there in like 45minutes..maybe then I would like it better. The teacher says don't think about anything...right as I am wishing I had a paper and pencil so I could write down everything I am thinking about..then I get kinda sleepy and think about going to bed and waiting waiting waiting for the resting to be over....can you imagine this..kinda funny. So I want to respect the practice right because they must believe in what they do so I just need to decide if the fact that I can not or don't want to be that still is something that I even care to change about myself and really I am thinking not so much. I like that about myself...I like being busy, moving my body, and not listening to my breath :)! So I think I will be ok with the fact that Bikram is maybe for me sometimes and an extra benefit but that I do not have to do it all the time and if I need to fit into a dress (say for a wedding I have in June) I know where to go for a quick 5 pounds. See...I am happy with my busy self...finally :) I have been doing power yoga for the past two days and I will say much better. Faster, stronger, more cardio..not so much resting. This is better for me and I am ok with that. Oh...so looking forward to meditation month...I am going to have to dig deep for that one :) So...not that this is what this blog is about but big news! My family is moving to Geneva Switzerland in July so this is going international. I have every plan to finish the year and blog my way through it..just maybe in French. xxoo-Dina
at 8:32 PM
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
i guess i'll blog, since all i want to do is eat. always these hours after getting home from getting the kids from school and until i have "something to do"...these hours are filled with me wanting to eat. and looking around my house at all the things i should be doing, but not feeling motivated to do those things. well, i did fold 4 or 5 pieces of laundry. so there.
jamie just left for yoga. i can't believe it. this is his third time since sunday! good for him. i will be going later tonight...the 8:30 class in bellevue with dina! it'll be so fun to go to a class together again. and besides, between you and me, sounds like she needs all the help she can get to get her ass there! :) jk....i love you, dina! as much as i want to see dina, it really is a logistical thing. i didn't think jamie would be home in time to get to the 5pm class. and then there's baseball practice for levi and marriage counseling for us. yea, life is full of things to work out...and even more when you are working them out together, for 14 years! and then...yoga! which, i think maybe be helping more than the therapy. i'm just sayin'.
well...levi told me i look like i have been on the computer too long. my face is all droopy and eyes are big and saggy. i hate to admit it, but he is right...i guess i have been avoiding my life here online for the last hour (except the part where i have been blogging, that is part of living my life.) geesh. back to laundry. who knew i had a spare hour in the day. with this newfound hour and my new strong will and "english bulldog" determination (what bikram says you gain from his yoga)...i could accomplish a lot with that hour!
aha! a new challenge!
ps...i am afraid growing my own food month in may is going to be B O R I N G! what am i going to write about? oh, i think the basil sprouted. no, that was a blade of grass. maybe tomorrow. what a cliffhanger!
at 4:49 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
So I think I have pretty much figured out that well yoga is not a passion but say more something I would like to do from time to time. I am dedicated to this blog so I have decided to finish yoga month strong! I am leaving for NYC next Thursday the 29th so it is all yoga till then. I think by writing this down it will hold me to do what I say...This is pretty much why I think no passion or really would I have to write it to make sure I do it...don't think so! I am going to plan to go each day possible ( I think maybe Saturday will be hard) till I leave. I can totally do this...right? The Bikram people say everyday is good for you. So I will write each day and edit the post when I go..motivation for me and then my readers can check up on me..ok..you better check up on me. No comment on the fact that I did not go yesterday..I was working and ugh just did not want to but today I can totally do this! Tuesday- 8:30 Bikram Class Completed :)! Wednesday- 8:30 Bikram Class Completed! Thursday- Yoga class at the gym :)! Friday- Yoga video at home and a gym workout! Saturday-nope..worked all day and dinner with the family Sunday-I feel terrible but did yoga this morning at home (still feel terrible)..gym later today! Monday-Nope...bummer but gym in the morning and had wine with a friend at night :) Tuesday- Wednesday- As I sit here...I can here the teacher in my head..kinda sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown. Oh, I am in trouble. When I am at the gym and struggling at the end I always tell myself to finish strong..feels so much better to finish strong. So I leave you for yoga tonight and I will finish strong (even if I really don't want to :)!) xxoo-Dina
at 5:03 PM
Monday, April 19, 2010
Well, we didn't have a yoga pose competition, but i did let jamie go to yoga today :)
as the hour came nearer, i was feeling really thirsty and a light headache. i think i had too much coffee today...through this process i am becoming more conscious of my choices, and how they affect my body. and if one of us was able to go today and one tomorrow, then i will take better care of my body tomorrow and go then. let jamie enjoy the benefits of yoga today.
and it gives me time to share some thoughts i was having about yoga. at least bikram yoga. i can't say i have felt this with other yoga. i have been getting this birth feeling from class. admittedly, i do tend to liken some life experiences to labor. however, this one is really present and palpable. during class, after each pose we rest. the teacher says things like...be still, let that pose go and don't think about what is to come...just be still and that will recharge you. these are just the things that you need to do between contractions as a laboring mama. i am a doula, and i say similar things to women as they labor. let that contraction go, just be still and try not to think about the next one coming. just be right here and relax. and sometimes when someone in class is really close to getting further in a pose, and the teacher knows them and that they have been working on this...they'll say, you're almost there, just a little more...push just a little more. um, hello?...these are exactly the things you say as a mom is working on pushing a baby out. very encouraging; gently, yet pointed and clear. you know this person is going to reach some place they probably never thought they would reach.
and i didn't have this experience with hot yoga,but yesterday jamie said that half way through he was like...oh hell no, i am leaving this class, i am not going to finish this, i am outta here. i did feel like that during labor though...a lot of women do, they think...i am so done with this. i am putting my jacket on and leaving, as if they have a choice. and sorta like bikram, cause they do ask you not to leave the room. and i bet you could run out of there if you really wanted, but i haven't seen anyone do it yet.
and in the end, the sense of accomplishment is astounding, for both experiences. for birth, it is more overwhelming and full of some magical kind of baby love..but that can only happen a limited number of times in ones life, unless you are those crazy people on the tv show that have like 19 kids. wtf? anyway, and only for women...sorry guys. but bikram...you can do that every day! you can have that sense of doing something amazing and challenging every day. and for me, i have gained such self-esteem and confidence from that in just two weeks. it has truly been transformative, physically and emotionally. i feel more like an adult. more capable. and doors have been opening, gifts coming my way. i think i am more clear about what i want, and i see that clarity growing.
i was able to make a huge decision this weekend. we have had our kids in a great private school for 4 years, Bright Water School, giving the kids a waldorf education. and we love it. we are a big part of the community. remember the auction? whew. it was fun. it has always been a huge financial struggle for us, to pay tuition. and we finally made the choice to switch to a public school. while i still value what bright water has to offer, and am deeply grateful for our time there and the generosity of the school for making that possible...i am feeling really good about making the choice to not live beyond our means. to make the choice that will facilitate more family time for us, with less everyday struggle. more wiggle room for fun. to go camping for a weekend and not worry about thinking....we shouldn't be doing this, we have bills to pay. that kind of alone time together as a family, without the everyday distractions, is going to be such a gift to ourselves. and maybe we will even get to visit dina and my brother in geneva! wow! what an opportunity!
so, a sidetrack...but not really. it is all connected. i am able to make a decision and be confident with it and stick to it. there is follow through. that feels so good.
at 5:06 PM
Warning Warning a very grumpy blogger is about to post :)! I think maybe I do not have a passion or the ability to find one. I do not want to go to yoga tonight...no part of me wants to go. It is not that I don't like it...it is fine it is just that I would like to go home and run to the gym for a workout. I do not want to spend 90minutes in a sweaty room...just don't want to. I am going to go because I promised Lindsay I would meet her and she has some work things that I need to pick up but that is the only reason. I was thinking yesterday at the gym about yoga and this is what I came up with. I do like it..just maybe not my primary source of a workout etc. There is something that bothers me about the teacher who talks, and talks, and talks,and talks for 90minutes. DO this and Don't do that and Stretch this was and Turn that way...just the talking could make me crazy. It is the same reason I do not like to take many classes at the gym....ugh the talking. I talk all day..to kids, parents, teachers, etc and I listen all day to kids, parents, teachers etc that I just think at the end of the day or when it is me time that I can not listen to anyone else. When I was at the gym last night I was trying to figure out why I was so happy....because I put my earphones on with music of my choice and nobody was talking...I did not have to listen or talk to anyone. Totally in my own head..pushing myself to get stronger and work out harder but all by myself...nobody was telling me what to do and I LOVE that. For 60 minutes everyday..ahhhh me time. Funny because the gym is way louder than yoga but something about it is quieter to me...makes me feel alone and I need that sometimes. I don't know maybe I am just grumpy or maybe I just need to go tonight and see again or maybe I just need to find some moderation between the two. All I know is that right now when I am done with work all I want is to put my head phones on and take my ass to the gym where it will be quiet and NOT sit in a hot room and listen to a teacher talk for 90 minutes. Ahhhh...I feel better but will I after yoga? xxoo-Dina
at 4:31 PM
wow...is it already the 19th? really?
only 12 more days of yoga?????????
this weekend i went to the Sweatbox right here in capitol hill. i love how close it is. yea, especially cause on friday...i was rushing to make the 6:30 in west seattle, there was traffic, and then parking was difficult...i almost missed my class. they let me in between first and second sets of pranayama breathing. how lucky was i? so, having the Sweatbox so close does cut the time commitment a little bit. http://www.sweatboxyoga.com/ they have a beginner special...10 classes for $10! these classes must be used in 10 consecutive days. and if you love it (that could be me) you can buy into a 2 month unlimited membership for $199. which is a great deal...considering most unlimited 1 month are around $140. so...i think the plan is to do that if i can afford it within 8 days and then use my free gift membership after that. if i can't afford it...well, then, i got that month at Breathe hot Yoga. i am lucky! and every class, when the end has come and we are in savasana...if my mind wanders and starts thinking about plans for later or stresses or anything outside my mat...i just bring myself back by focussing on how grateful i am that i got to go to yoga that day. how fortunate i am that i was able to give my body, my mind, my spirit that gift.
jamie went with me on sunday. he did so good! he never even took a break during the poses. but after class he had a hell of a time. i looked back as i was getting up and i could tell he was not doing so hot. he was very close to passing out, he looked like he had tried to stand up, but had to kneel back down and keep his head low. i left the studio to get him some electrolytes and brought back into him. still took him a bit to actually stand up and make it out to the lobby. we made it home and then after we got some food in him, he was loving everything. he was on the bikram yoga high. he said he felt like there was more space between his vertebrae and he must be taller! ha! :)
this week is going to be interesting. with both of us wanting to go to yoga, and the sweatbox has fewer times that work for us. already toady and tomorrow are like...well, maybe only one of us can go. how do i not go? how do i not let him go? generous. selfish. taking turns. i think i need to let go of the labels, first of all.
well...off to the day. kids to school, work...and then maybe jamie and i can do poses and have the kids judge us and give us scores...the highest score goes to hot yoga today. :) hmmm, what pose could i kick his ass in?
at 6:47 AM
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Ian and I are back from our trip and I am having a difficult time getting back into my normal routine. I have not been to yoga since we got back ( I know it has only been 2 days) and I really feel guilty about it. I have not really wanted to do anything...sleepy from the long flight and basically spent yesterday at the passport office. I think we basically took the last flight out of Europe and am so glad we missed this volcano travel craziness. I am going to go to Bikram tomorrow morning and I am very much looking forward to it. I enjoyed my Geneva yoga...kinda makes me think I should try something besides hot yoga...I really do love it but something about learning exact position and posture when you are not dealing with being hot. I was definitely sore so I think it was an excellent workout. I may continue with the hot yoga this week and try something different the week after. Well...my whole life is about to change and once things are finalized I will tell more. I think I will need the yoga for some serenity during times of crazy stress and figuring things out. I feel like I am about to start a new chapter in my life and I am glad to have this blog to keep me connected and giving me something to work on. Here is a pic of Ian and I in our home away from home. Geneva is the most beautiful place ( chocolate, bread, and wine...what could be bad) and I wish you all a chance to visit there and explore for yourself! xx00-Dina
at 12:55 PM
Friday, April 16, 2010
wow. today is a gorgeous NW day. the sun is out, the air has a warmth to it, yet still crisp enough that wouldn't get too hot. i love it! and dina is back from her trip so i got to talk to her today. i really missed her! a lot.
on another note, my knee is really hurting. left knee on the outside, especially when i go down stairs...luckily i live on the first floor! so, when i went to yoga last night i was easy on it. but still sometimes i am not sure how far to go into a pose. for example, take bow pose. the first little kick up with the feet to get into the pose really hurts, and then i feel fine the further i get. do i push through that initial pain, or do i take it easy and lay off the bow for a bit? which is better for me knee? i still want to go to class, but i find it hard to be there and not doing the poses. it brings up my issues with feeling weak. which is something that doing bikram was really quite the opposite for me, i feel so strong during and after class. all part of the learning, i suppose.
the book has also been a continued source of inspiration. i truly enjoy learning more about the yoga of life, beyond the classroom. how yoga can bring you to your true calling and service for the world, you karma yoga. now that is something that excites me. however, it also holds patience to be a key part...and so with that lesson in hand, i will continue with class. however i show up everyday. and be patient, stay determined, and have faith that i am right where i need to be. that i will have the wisdom and insight to know when life is taking me a new direction. i can be very impatient say, for a new job. for my true calling. to give it my all. part of why i think i hate my job sometimes is because i don't give it my all. and yet i show up everyday and don't give it over and over. i just don't want to be there. but where? and again, patience, faith...and just keep going to yoga because that is where i feel most clear...and where i can feel the most positive influences seeping into my life in every facet.
tomorrow morning jamie is coming with me!
oh and more exciting news! my neighbors, the sweet Olivers, they gifted me a month of unlimited hot yoga at a studio downtown!!!! how fortuitous! thank you Olivers!!!! things really come together when you let them. when you open up to possibilities greater than you previously thought were part of your reality. i will be using that to continue my yoga for the month of may...even though i will be also doing the next thing on our list. i am just not willing to let yoga go!
I'll leave you with a quote from Bikram's book..."You can do it. Tightly grip the steering wheel of your own life, turn the master key in the ignition, shift into drive and take back control of your life. it's so simple. just open your eyes, open your heart and open your mind, and allow your Spirit to guide you to on the road. Trust in your Self to make the decisions that will lead you to peace happiness and a true satisfaction in living." (bikram's loves are yoga and cars, so he often, really often, uses vehicular analogies.)
at 12:12 PM
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
so, even though jamie has been gone (he comes home today! yea! and i am not just saying that cause it means going to yoga is easier!) even though i go at the last class of the night and i never would have stayed up that late to go to the gym every night. (and i should mention, i skipped american idol last night for yoga...shallow of me to need to mention, but that is one of those things i filled myself up with, like food) i still have been able to keep going to bikram yoga. a big thanks to friends that have watched my kids while i went the past week. it truly means so much to be able to go. i have also discovered other moms at my kid's school that go. and last night, i had a friend go with me...it was her first time. she did amazing!
it was kinda a hard class for me. it felt really hot at points, like a little too hot (usually i love the heat and feel like i could use some more.) and it was my first class where i had a moment of dizzy. during tree pose, i attempted to go into standing toe pose, and it did not feel right...so i came up and perhaps too quickly because i had some overwhelm with a hint of dizzy. i rested. i did the rest of class and that all felt great. i was shaky after class as well, and that doesn't usually happen these days. but then after sitting and talking to my friend jen and having an emergen-c...i felt much better. i actually felt really good after just a sip of the emergen-c. oh, and i almost did standing head to knee pose, with the leg extended, and that is saying a lot for me in just 9 classes!
i am continuing to read from Bikram's book. i am on ch. 6, where he gets into the poses..describing each one, giving tips and explaining what physical benefits you are gaining. which reminds me, lately the past couple classes i have heard the teachers talking about some of the poses releasing toxins...squeezing the toxins out of your organs. and i have to say, i feel like that is truly happening...on the physical level and also deeper and more emotional.
well...off to get the kids ready for school. have a good one!
at 7:05 AM
Sunday, April 11, 2010
so, the past couple days i have been reading and reading about bikram yoga and Bikram Choudhury himself. I have his latest book, from the seattle public library, published in 2007...simply titled, Bikram Yoga. and i have been online scouring the internet for interviews and articles, youtube vidoes too. the book does give a different spin on some of the things i have read in articles that refer to Bikram as the "bad boy" of yoga, that are all similar to the Mother Jones article i posted before. it seems to me, that to a certain degree, the media like to highlight drama and controversy more than give a full and non-opinionated story. i know, big shocker to you all, huh? the book at least gave a different perspective, and from the man's own words, on who he is and what his yoga is...and where it came from and why he is the way he is. he states that his guru, Bishnu Ghosh, charged him with this karmic duty, to bring yoga to America and that everything he does is to do just that. and by doing so, also bring happiness and health to us sad and unhealthy, complaining all the time even though we have the best opportunities in the world, Americans. he begins his book by saying that he "will tell you the truth." something most Americans have a hard time swallowing. he will not tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. and that entering his "torture chamber" is hard, sure, some call it suffering. "but would you rather suffer 90 minutes in a bikram class or 90 years without a truly healthy body and without realizing your true potential?" so far, only 40 pages in, i can tell i will read through the book quickly. not something i often do. i am easily bored by books.
i have come across explanations for all the cars and the copyright lawsuit. both of which, i can understand. still though, i am unsettled about the claim of his comment on women's breasts that i read in the Mother Jones article. crude teacher or comment taken out of context?
still as i read on, there is a lot of great advice and mantras. i am compelled to read on. i am also compelled to go to more bikram yoga classes. i just feel so great, i sleep great, i don't want crappy food or alcohol (which is, for me, not a small miracle...these are the ways i have "taken care of myself" for years...the way i give myself love and relax), i breathe with more awareness, i walk with more confidence. i also realize i can be an extremist, and this is only after one week of going to class everyday.
speaking of...with jamie being gone (oh, and his granny is doing better...yes!) i missed class yesterday. so, it was me and Rodney doing power yoga in my living room. i missed the heat. the sweat. the concentration and solitude of being in the bikram studio. i am hoping that i will be able to go today. and tomorrow. then jamie is home on tuesday.
onto more reading....
oh and dina....i miss you! glad you are doing yoga over there, and that you got Ian to go! i hope to have jamie come with me one of these days.
and I will leave you with this quote from Bishnu Ghosh, "it's never too late, it's never too bad, and you're never too old or too sick to start from scratch once again."
at 9:37 AM
Good Afternoon from Geneva! Ian and I are on a work/play trip to see how we feel about the city of Geneva. There is an opportunity for us to move here for a few years and we are here to see if it will be a good fit for our family! So far so good...it is so beautiful! The people are nice, town is easy to get around, and just an overall amazing feel. BUT....this blog may go international but we need to chat about the important stuff this month YOGA. Even if we move..I am determined to continue my passion finding mission so this morning Ian and I took a private yoga class with our instructor Alexy at yoga-swiss. It was Ian's first time and he did great. It was a really small studio that he opened just for us since well nothing is really open on Sundays. It was nice to have a private lession and have someone really show you correct positions and movements. Also nice to practice in a room that was not 105 degress. I was really proud of Ian and I for navigating our way around to find the studio...we really flet like locals. Can you imagine that on this amazing trip my priority was to find a place to take yoga??? I am going to take the group class on Monday and Wednesday. I also think it helped me get over my jet lag some..I feel much better today. Here is the website for the yoga class...good information about the instructor. He was very welcoming and it was fun! http://body-heart-and-mind-yoga.com/ Well, Ian is about finished getting ready and we are heading out to check out a few schools for the girls. We have some pictures that I will post soon! xxoo-Dina
at 4:07 AM
Friday, April 9, 2010
ok, so i love love love going to bikram yoga. i think that has been clear this past week, if you have been reading along. and i have been doing some reading about the yoga, and the man that started it...Bikram Choudhury. at first, i just read a little...i think because i was afraid it would taint my actual experience in the yoga room. and this morning when i read this article from mother Jones magazine from 2005 (http://motherjones.com/politics/2005/03/money-pose), my apprehension was confirmed. i found what it said about Bikram to be disturbing. i can't imagine taking a class from someone talking about women's breasts and how women walk after having intercourse with him. seriously? is this really going on? and how does that translate into my experience here in seattle with teachers that have learned from Bikram, I assume. Do i continue to enjoy my own personal experience, and how i feel and the benefits i have already enjoyed? or do i let this one article about the man associated with the yoga i am performing disturb my path? my possible passion?
jamie is reading a book, total freedom, by J. Krishnamurti. great stuff, inspiring. and then i was reading another book, after the ecstasy the laundry, by Jack Kornfield. in the laundry book, he tells the story of a woman that grew up with her parents being very close to Krishnamurti...her father was his business partner, she described Krishnamurti as her second father. later in life she learned of the affair Krishnamurti had with her mother. and of the many other affairs he had, children he had fathered, and other scandals. a whole chapter in Kornfield's book is dedicated to this phenomenon...of guru's falling from grace.
I am not sure what i really think of all this. processing it all. i have noticed, however, this as a theme in people i have admired, or wanted to learn from. they are not perfect. there is always something that disturbs me. something that seems so "bad" that i decide they cannot be my teacher. does this have to be the case? can we still take what is good for us, and leave their personal drama to them? can the two be separated?
I will read more. i will think on this. i will go to bikram yoga this evening.
more to come....
at 10:19 AM
Thursday, April 8, 2010
to bikram yoga today?????
sadly, jamie (my husband) had to leave on a red-eye last night for baltimore. his granny is very sick and he wanted a chance to see her before...well, i'll just leave it at that. i do hope has has a nice visit with his mom and family, and granny.
i went to yoga last night before i took him to the airport. it was a bit of a problem for my marriage...jamie wanted me to stay home and be with him before he left. and me, well, i am fresh into this passion/obsession thing with bikram yoga and i feel like...as much as i love him, i wanted to go to yoga. it helps me to be more open and loving, and to me, that helps my marriage. so, I went. and i hope he understands. it was a great class. at first i wasn't crazy about the teacher, he was fast talking, not very gentle. look at me, 5 days of this yoga and i am getting picky about the teachers. but i ended up having a great class. really getting into the poses a little more, learning the form, and working a little harder without being overwhelmed. i jsut cannot explain how good i feel during and after class. and i really look forward to going. i never felt that way about anything before. i liked going to the gym, but i didn't look forward to it. i like painting, but even getting out the supplies and the thought of having to clean the brushes gave me sloth-like motivation. i did love the dancing, but i certainly found it easy to sit on my ass and not practice everyday. and now here i am without my husband for the weekend, and how will i get to yoga? i really want to go. and that in and of itself is so big for me. the only things i ever really wanted to do before was go out to eat or go get drinks.
speaking of eating and drinking. since i started the bikram yoga, those habits have changed. after that first night of horrible headache, i have adjusted my diet. only whole fruits and veggies and grains. no wheat, sugar, dairy. (ok, except for the cream in my coffee...i do have coffee every morning, come on, i am not that pure) so far, it feels great, my body deserved a break. food has been such a go-to substance for me. i do feel a little, like i am on the other extreme right now. eh, live and learn. we'll see how it all shakes out. like i have said in earlier posts, i am fearful of this not sticking around. but no sense in worrying about that, just keep breathing and feeling good for now.
so, now onto watching the kids i have at my house today....and figuring out a way to get to yoga!
at 8:20 AM
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
So this is hot yoga day 6 and I am talking 6 in a row. I feel good. I like going...it is challenging and a good workout but really other than that I don't feel that different. I was kinda thinking I was doing something wrong. Melissa has had all these crazy feelings since going and me well nothing..kinda wish I was! It has been nice mixing up my workout routine but I am starting to miss the gym so I think I will need to find a balance between the two. Not sure how that will be possible...this yoga thing is expensive and I think to keep my membership I would have to give up my gym membership and well I am not willing to do that. It may not matter in the long run anyway since we may be making some family changes. I think for now I will finish out this week with hot yoga and I did schedule 3 yoga sessions during my trip with Ian. I am excited to try something different. This finding balance things has been really in my head this past week. I am just not good at balance and moderation. I am so all or nothing. I think I am going to try hot yoga and then I have been 6 days in a row. I think I am physically unable not to go or then I may feel really sick. Maybe finding a passion for me is not a great idea since maybe that is all I will do. I am really going to work on trying to find some balance with things and also learn to be happy in the space that I am in. I have worked really hard to get myself in good shape and I do feel happy but when will it ever be enough and when will I stop being so hard on myself? I don't know..I am totally rambling...and really working on this seems harder than just going to yoga everyday so for tonight it is the 8:30 class! xxoo-Dina
at 5:49 PM
i am learning to be here now. hard to do. especially at the beginning of something like this bikram yoga. i keep drifting off into some distant future where i can do the poses with ease, where i don't have extra body fat getting in the way of the twist, where i can interlock my fingers and wrap them around my foot while keeping my leg straight...and then i get anxious. what if i can't afford to keep going? what if i stop loving it? what if this is just one more thing in my life that i think is "it" for me, and then i slowly lose my interest or maybe lose my dedication, and let it go. then i remind myself this is just my thinking mind...and i come back to being here, in this body...with its present state of flexibility and stiffness. with whatever extra is here and there. and i breathe. it feels like i have had to do this a million times today. and today has barely reached 10:30am.
as i am reading in my pema chodron book, when things fall apart, that is the practice. the falling apart and coming back together.
so, today i went back to bikram yoga of seattle....the fremont studio. http://www.bikramyogaseattle.com/index.php
i like it there. the teachers have been great. i went to the 6am class this morning. i never, never like to get up before...maybe 6:30am. unless i am going on a vacation, which rarely happens. but today, i woke up. and i thought about going back to bed. at one point, i decided...i am just going back to bed. then i sat on the couch for a minute. and it was quiet. i heard the birds chirping outside and i noticed the beauty of the world around me. (seriously?omg, how cheezy. i sound like one of those annoyingly happy people. yuk.) but that is what happened, for real. i was like...ok, the birds are chirping and i am going to go to yoga! and i drove in the dark to fremont.
yesterday and today, instead of trying ot get as much into the posture as i can, i am working on form and technique. it doesn't look as impressive to me, but i possibly have a whole lifetime to get to the deeper postures. i want to get there with good form.
I also have been doing some research on Bikram yoga. interesting stuff. i'll write more later after more reading. controversial though, so far.
at 10:15 AM
Monday, April 5, 2010
so, it is all yoga all the time in my mind. ever since i tried the bikram yoga, i think about it all day. i am more aware of taking care of myself thoughout the day, of what i put into my body, of how much water i drink. i think about how i am going to fit it into my schedule everyday. i think about how in the world could i ever afford this if i do want to keep doing it! cause holy cow...it is pricey.
but let me backtrack. my last post i was all into how awesome i felt after yoga, and i did. it was a beautiful, peaceful high. so, i also posted that i was going to watch the mountaineers game. sadly, they lost. we watched the game at our close friend's house, had dinner there. super fun. i had two beers, pizza and salad. i was really hungry and i think i ate too much. and should not have had the beers. i was so so so sick that night. piercing headache. threw up. couldn't sleep. i was crying and miserable. that yoga was intense, and i think i wasn't used to what it did to my body...i am not used to making sure i put healthy things into my body. and i am guessing after the very first yoga experience like that, i needed to.
so the next morning, i had plans to go to yoga at 8am. i still had a bit of a headache. i was tired. i wanted to go, but wasn't sure i could do it. i ended up meeting dina at her place in bellevue, and going for it. it felt great. i felt so much better afterwards. no headache. and yesterday, even though i was at another close friend's house for easter dinner...i didn't drink wine, and i only had the veggies at dinner. and i drank lots and lots of water. i went to bed feeling good and now here i am in the morning...still feeling great.
i am hopefully going for day 3 of hot yoga with dina again this evening...a night class at 8:30pm. it will not be finished til 10pm. sounds late. i have been in bed before that the past few nights! and even though it is quite a workout, i don't think i'll be worked up afterwards, i think i'll come home and be able to go right to bed.
so...rodney, i'll be back and thanks for being there when i need you. but for now, as long as i can work it into my schedule, i will be leaving you for bikram yoga in that hot steamy room. i really love the heat.
good monday to you all!
at 6:53 AM
Saturday, April 3, 2010
i said, yea...yea...yea...yea!
(sung to the rolling stones song...you know.)
anyway. i did bikram yoga today. just got home from it. and i feel amazing. i don't feel irritable. i don't feel angry. i didn't care how jamie was driving. i feel love and peace. so so weird. and not sure how long it will last, but boy am i appreciating these moments.
now into life...getting passports, watching the WVU game...final 4 baby! Go Mountaineers!!!!!!
have a great saturday evening everyone....
at 2:27 PM
Friday, April 2, 2010
OMG...today I did my second hot yoga class and let me tell you what a difference a day makes. Today totally rocked...this may be it people..this may be it! It was a fantastic experience to make such huge gains today. I did it..the whole class without stopping or having to break. I would not say that I am a yoga expert but I made it through the whole class without stopping..did I already say that. It was so powerful and I felt so strong. I was in total control of my breathing and my movements...felt so good. My body is intensely sore but in that feels so good it hurts kinda way. Todays class was a combination of being still but yet still moving and working my ass off..literally! I love the intense challenge of it and having a full class around me really makes me push push and push harder. I could really see this as my thing...I LOVE IT! I also really like that Melissa and I are both enjoying this month...it is fun to see us both succeed. In my head I look like this... So...I know that itis just in my head but I would love for my arms to look like that...something to work for. I am going back tomorrow:) The studio I am taking at is http://www.bikramyogabellevue.com I know I should really try other kinds of yoga and I think I will but I am just into this right now so I am going to stick with it. Ian and I are doing some traveling this month so I will need to research my yoga plan when we are on our trip...hmmmm. Just a side not and a plug for some friends from Madeline's school who just opened a drop off childcare center in Issaquah called Adventure Kids. My girls went while I was at yoga and they loved it. I was not sure what to expect but the price was good..they played, made crafts, made pizza and were really sad to leave. I think they are a franchise so check one out...my girls will definitely be visiting again! http://web.adventurekidsplaycare.com Feeling Happy Today! xxoo-Dina
at 1:58 PM
so here's Rodney...
we practice in hawaii, on the coast. it is gorgeous!
at 9:32 AM
so really I think yesterdays hot yoga class was one of the hardest things I have ever done..I said that to Melissa but she reminded me about birth and well she is right so I think it will be the second hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I am in pretty good shape but the heat and trying to breathe etc made it really difficult. The teacher talked about keeping your breath and mind calm and that will help regulate your temp..she is right I think at anytime you could easily start to panic and well that would not be a good thing. I am really not trying to be gross but I did not think my body could produce so much sweat...my kids thought I went swimming...does that tell you something. My goal for yesterdays class was to make it the whole time in the room and do what I can and well that is my goal for today with maybe add a bit more participation when I can. I think if I continue I will make nice improvements by the end of the month. I can not believe I am going to go back today..just that thought makes me want to think of an excuse..it was that hard for me. but NO I am going...this could turn into something for me..you know kinda like a passion. Something that I could add into my world and always work to improve at...it is kinda still and yet active all at the same time. I will say...thank you Jesus that I have lost some weight..if not I really may have died yesterday :). Day 2 starts at 10am...going to drop the girls at a kids play place in Issaquah and meet my friend Lindsay for class. Wish me luck people...lots of luck! xxoo-Dina
at 7:40 AM
Thursday, April 1, 2010
when it is late and i am feeling guilty about not doing whatever the thing was that month. and then i get up and do that thing anyway! i just love when i can muster up the motivation to do that. to shift that moment. last night, i was sitting here with jamie and wanting to go to bed. really wanting to sleep. and i knew it was the last night of painting. and as much as i have loved painting, i had not done it for a couple days. so, i sat here. and then i got up, turned the tv off (only cause jamie wanted to, sometimes i actually like having it on in the background, well, i think i do and then when it is quiet with it off and i am painting...i do like that. so thanks, Jamie) and got out the paints. i am a little stuck on the peacock feathers, not sure how to get the thin feathers well defined. it doesn't look finished to me, but i will have to do some research at some point to figure out a technique for that. so i worked on the other piece with the palm trees and what were eyeballs, but turned into clouds. i like it. and there are parts i don't like. jamie was playing his guitar while i painted and i was thinking how changeable his art is...he can redo something over and over if it doesn't turn out the way he wanted. but with painting, once i put paint down on the canvas, that's it. it is there, no going back. and you have to work layer by layer, or colors will mix that maybe you didn't want to mix. my mood this morning is making me think of all these analogies to life. one thing at a time, one layer of our selves at a time, be in the present...or things can get all messy and mixed up. let each thing come to completion, each new self discovery have time to settle in...
or make something new and beautiful out of the mess. that is always an option too.
have a great thursday people...
oh...and about the yoga. i will do a DVD this morning, Rodney Yee, my old standby from years ago. so i can go and do easter eggs tonight with the kids and grammy. then tomorrow start at a studio. still sussing out the styles and pricing. and glad to have another day to think about it. money may be the deciding factor, as it often is round here...and me and rodney may get very close over the course of the next month! haha
at 8:15 AM